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The Dugout: Ryan Braun & Alex Rodriguez Are Probably Totally Innocent

By / 07.29.13

(via Getty Image)


If you like baseball, perhaps you’ve heard the story of Ryan Braun — a nice Jewish boy who was accidentally accused of steroids and suspended before the people in charge realized he was a total sweetheart and couldn’t have done anything wrong — and Alex Rodriguez, a hard-working everyman who pulled himself up by the bootstraps and became one of the best players in baseball. Uh, several years ago.

Anyway, Major League Baseball is just CRAZY OBSESSIVE about prosecuting players who get caught using steroids, so the big baseball news has been about how baseball hates heroes and wants us all to be sad. At least I think that’s what’s been going on, I haven’t done one of these in a while.

Today’s Dugout, about the exciting true story of two innocent sluggers, is after the jump.

The Dugout

TheBraunBunny: heh heh lying about steroids is the best  
homosexual_rod: IF JOO GET ME CAUGHT AN SUSPENTED FOREVER BOY I SWURR  
TheBraunBunny: shh, keep your voice down, this is supposed to be clandestine  
homosexual_rod: oh sorry tee hee  
TheBraunBunny: Good, that’s better. You come up with an excuse yet? Mine’s great. “It’s BS.”  
homosexual_rod: does that really worgk  
TheBraunBunny: Worked for me back in 2011! If that doesn’t work, blame the testing.  
TheBraunBunny: “maybe I allegedly did steroids but you can’t suspend me, the tester put my sample in a ziploc baggie instead of a test tube. CASE DISMISSED, HEROES ARE REAL.”  
homosexual_rod: LOL  
TheBraunBunny: you’re a person of color, though, so you’ll have a tougher time explaining yourself.  
homosexual_rod: what do joo mean  
homosexual_rod: we are literally the same color

060413_alex-rodriguez-ryan-braun

“high orange”

 
TheBraunBunny: alright, well, we’ll talk about it later when you’re crying about your innocence on TV specials and I’m being consoled with concerned grandma hugs  
TheBraunBunny: so what’s your excuse, Bud’s gonna be here any minute to test us. To personally test us. Because he is a great commissioner.  
homosexual_rod: “what are steroits”  
TheBraunBunny: hahah what  
homosexual_rod: i jess wanna play, i diden have them saw curtis grandson in half an remove his hips an have them surgically implanted into me to sit at home, i dong care about steroids, i jess wanna play  
homosexual_rod: backup plan: “skittles have vitamins in them that make test say you have steroids i just ate skittles sry for loving skittles brand skittles”  
TheBraunBunny: you did what to curtis granderson now  
 

**Online Host**
ILoveCashman has entered the chatroom.

 
ILoveCashman: hey guys, what’s going on in this chatroom? Not talking loudly to each other about how you did steroids, I hope  
TheBraunBunny: heh, no sir, just uh, just talkin’ wCB/C. I say you need lots of it, Alex says you don’t need any. Neither of us understand it!  
ILoveCashman: hm, well-  
homosexual_rod: BRIANG LET ME PLAY BASEBALL BOI  
ILoveCashman: shut the f**k up, Alex  
homosexual_rod: MY DOGTOR SAYS I’M FINE, AN HE EVEN MEANS IT METTICALLY AN NOT RE: MY JERKIN’ CENTAUR BODY  
homosexual_rod: I CAN PLAY IN JOOR LINEUP TODAY I SWEAR, PERFEGLY FINE HIPPS, LOOK I CAN SWIVEL /begins twerking  
ILoveCashman: stop f**king twerking you imbecile, you’re not fine, you’re hurt and have to collect millions of dollars and NOT take a cotton-swab dump on the Yankees legacy  
ILoveCashman: you are injured  
homosexual_rod: NO I’M NOT  
ILoveCashman: no, look at me  
ILoveCashman: you’re injureeeeed /wiggles eyebrows  
homosexual_rod: /stares  
ILoveCashman: IN. JURREEDDDD. /presses down on Alex’s foot  
homosexual_rod: OUCH MY FOOT  
homosexual_rod: I MEAN, NO, LET ME PLAY I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT STEROITS ARE, MY COUSING GAVE THEM TO ME, HE SAID THEY WERE DANGEROUS STREET DROGS  
ILoveCashman: eeennghhh  
 

**Online Host**
BudIsWiser has entered the chatroom.

 
BudIsWiser: hey fellas! Just stopped in for your random drug test!  
TheBraunBunny: gulp  
homosexual_rod: gulp  
BudIsWiser: lol just kidding, you guys are great, keep hitting dingers and scoring wCB/C’s, we’ll keep giving you dollars!  
 

**Online Host**
BudIsWiser has left the chatroom.

 
ILoveCashman: god dammit  
TheBraunBunny: nailed it. Time to celebrate! Lying rulz! /does steroids  
homosexual_rod: LET ME PLAY IN JOOR LINEUP BRIANG /cuts hip, tries to force bottle of steroids into wound  
ILoveCashman: brb, posting this entire thing to reddit  
Photos link to player info. The Dugout

TAGSalex rodriguezBaseballBRIAN CASHMANBUD SELIGMILWAUKEE BREWERSMLBNEW YORK YANKEESPEDSRYAN BRAUNsteroidsTHE DUGOUT

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