In case you haven’t been watching E!’s Total Divas this season – or, much more importantly, following along with my Pulitzer-worthy recaps *pause for 1-hour Stalin-esque applause* – Nikki Bella and John Cena are deeply in love with each other. It’s one of the show’s most important plots, because Cena is arguably the most important figure in the WWE and the company would love nothing more than for the Bella Twins to be its biggest female stars. And also because love is beautiful and all that other bulllllllsh*t.
Like any two people forced to put their love on display for a reality TV series, Nikki and Cena have sex A LOT, but because their relationship is very complicated – Nikki wants to get married but Cena won’t ever get married again – that fiery sexual passion must also provide their greatest complication yet. It was really only a matter of time before Nikki thought she might be pregnant, so let’s get this final Total Divas episode recap of 2013 underway and celebrate a season finale of epic dramatic cliffhangers.
Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Trinity – Still my favorite Diva of this series’ first season.
2) Brie Bella – The voice of reason among the Bella Twins, and probably only the more likable because she’s dating Daniel Bryan.
3) Nattie – She’s been coming off as a crazy, jealous B-word lately, but her cat just died, so I’m feeling compassionate.
4) JoJo – Someone needs to put JoJo’s face on a milk carton.
5) Nikki Bella and her breasts – Based on the previews, I have a really bad feeling about Nikki’s ranking after this episode.
6) Ariane – She’s dragged down by Vincent and her annoying catchphrases.
7) Eva Marie – She’s the worst.
You Can’t Complete a Sentence Without a Period
Since Brie and Nikki are twin sisters, their special lady times are pretty much the same, so when Brie got her visit from Aunt Period but Nikki didn’t, there was a very convenient cause for alarm. Naturally, because this is such a big deal and needs to be handled in a very delicate manner, as a pregnancy could greatly affect Nikki’s future with the WWE, she decided to take the pregnancy test in a bathroom at the Raw venue. The only thing that was missing from this bit was Steph McMahon walking into the women’s bathroom and chasing the Bella Twins from stall to stall like an old Scooby Doo haunted house bit.
Well, it turns out that Nikki wasn’t pregnant, so what a relief, right? Her response to the thought of “What if it had been positive?” – “Can you imagine if I couldn’t have wine for nine months?” We are all very fortunate that the pregnancy test read: “No.”
Nattie Drunk Dialed Stephanie McMahon
Earlier this season, we learned that the proper phrase for when one of the Divas gets really drunk is “Brie Mode,” because when Brie gets drunk, she gets crazy. She’s the only person on Earth who gets crazy when she’s drunk, so that’s why it’s called “Brie Mode,” got it? While in New Orleans, Nattie and some of the Divas went out on Bourbon Street, and Nattie decided to get Brie Mode, which eventually led to her drunk dialing Steph McMahon multiple times.
A few thoughts on Nattie’s revelation that she committed this ridiculous drunken act:
1) She and TJ had two beds in their hotel room, and she appeared to be sleeping alone. Does TJ sleep in a separate bed? Because that would be the most Nattie thing ever.
2) Watching a WWE star, and especially a Diva, be reprimanded in her ring attire is HILARIOUS.
3) How many times did Nattie need to drunk dial Steph before Triple H would eventually answer and say, “WHO IS THIS? NOBODY DRUNK DIALS THE WIFE OF THE GREATEST WRESTLER OF ALL-TIME.”
More on this in a bit…