Yesterday featured the triumphant return of America’s worst fighter Bucky Boyd, an enormous, psychotic man with no ability to speak but a special talent for expressing himself. He’s part of the upcoming ROUGH N ROWDY BRAWL, a West Virginia-based toughman competition more notable for its ridiculous personalities than its quality fighting. Bucky’s getting his third shot against a man called THE TREE. I don’t think Bucky has landed a single punch in his pro fighting career.
Anyway, Bucky’s wonderful, but he’s not the only special snowflake fighting in the Rough N Rowdy Brawl. I browed through the profiles and checked out some of the other promo videos, and I feel it’s my job as a comedy sports blogger to share them, point at them from very far away and say OH MY GOD LOOK AT THIS GUYS as loudly as possible. There is nothing more precious than the Rough N Rowdy Brawl, and I hope you enjoy these fighter profiles as much as I did compiling them.
Go to this on March 7-8 if you live near Bumf*ck West Virginia. We’re gonna get that sponsorship one of these days.
Name: “Playboy” Steven Bledsoe
Mission: “taking that bantamweight”
First of all:
He got the name “Playboy” Steven Bledsoe because he “bledsoe” much the last time he tried to brush his teeth. Playboy is the gift that keeps on giving. You think the funniest thing about him is gonna be that giant Playboy tattoo on his chest, then you notice his teeth. Then you notice that he’s already got a forehead wound. THEN you notice a huge tub of Dubble Bubble in the background. They should’ve sent a poet.
Chance He’ll Win At Rough N Rowdy Brawl: 52%
Chance He’ll Do Crystal Meth At Rough N Rowdy Brawl: 100%
Name: “Pretty Boy” Andrew Justice
Mission: obtain Seven Bledsoe’s ass, force sex on as many women as possible
There sure are a lot of ironic sexy nicknames for Rough N Rowdy Brawl competitors. I’m surprised The Tree isn’t “Big Dick” The Tree.
Anyway, here’s a 12-year old (?) who declares that the Playboy tattoo on Steven Bledsoe’s chest won’t get him laid — he’s not lying — and explains how he’s gonna get him “up against them ropes” and win a jacket, which I guess is what you win in the Rough N Rowdy Brawl. It’s like the Masters of hillbilly fights. An ongoing theme of these videos is that these guys DESPERATELY want to get laid, and think you have no chance of getting laid yourself. EVERYBODY GETS LAID AT ROUGH N ROWDY BRAWL.
Chance He’ll Win At Rough N Rowdy Brawl: 48%
Chance He’ll Get Laid If He Puts On A Specific Jacket: 10%
Name: Cody Dent
Mission: Make it to the finals
Cody’s hoodie makes him look like he’s a calf in mid-birth, like he’s literally coming out of something’s birth canal as he speaks. He’s not as ridiculous as a lot of the other competitors, and then suddenly there’s a terrifying guy in a camo jacket assuring his victory … then a group shot where camo guy stands in front of so many sad boys in hoodies and a DECORATIVE MURAL to show how West Virginia gon’ take it.
Chance He’ll Win At Rough N Rowdy Brawl: 25%
Chance He’ll Write ‘Billy Bob Loves Charlene’ On That Mural In Green Tractor Paint At Some Point During His Life: 80%
Name: “White Rooster” Travis Noe
Mission: Middleweight Champion
Another sad boy in Scary Camo Guy’s charge is THE WHITE ROOSTER, who sadly does not have a splash of white dye in his hair and never walks around like a chicken. He kinda sounds like you might imagine a chicken would sound if it could talk, and he does everything he can to further the county war that forms the foundation of the Rough N Rowdy Brawl. “When that right there hits ya” you’re gonna “hit the mat,” but they never clarify what “that right there” is. I was hoping the camera would pan down and his legs would be rooster legs. MAC DOW COUNNY WE GOT GODLESS SCIENTIFIC ‘SPERIMENTS THAT’S HOW WE DO IT.
Chance He’ll Win At Rough N Rowdy Brawl: 11%
Chance He Could Beat An Actual Rooster In A Fist Fight: 20%
Name: Travis Barbour
I have no idea what this guy is talking about. Hey, can you grab me a Gatorade?
Chance He’ll Win At Rough N Rowdy Brawl: ???
Chance He Thinks Electrolytes Are What Plants Crave: 100%
I’m a little behind on these videos, but the Rough N Rowdy folks put on shows in January and February because viral videos of yokels threatening one another means MONEY. So in the spirit of the previous entries, here are a few from recent events, along with odds for their hypothetical appearance in future Rough N Rowdy Brawls.
Name: Ralph Boseman
Mission: he is coming for blood
HE IS COMING, AND HE’S DOING IT FOR BLOOD! Note: I had that problem once, but I went to the doctor and it cleared up nicely.
This is secretly one of my favorites, because despite his claims that he is COMING FOR BLOOD he’s the least threatening guy ever. Listen to him talk. He’s a little too smart for this. He did his research by looking at the Rough N Rowdy Brawl and reading “all y’all’s” profiles, he gets too wordy trying to explain what’s going to happen to you when he knocks you out and he basically just wants to win because his girlfriend wants a jacket. HE’S GOTTA SHOP AT DILLARDS BUT AFTER THAT, HE’S COMING FOR BLOOD.
Chance He’ll Win At Rough N Rowdy Brawl: 66%
Chance He Is Coming For Blood: 100%
Name: “Country Thang” Amanda Skeens
Mission: Beat up that pussy
More like “Bucky Girld,” am I right
Is that a watermelon hat? You did not need a hat to make your head look more like a watermelon. Here kitty kitty kitty come get your butt whooped. Drink every time she says “butt.” The “country thang” is polite use of language!
Name: “The Beard” Brandon Hackney
Mission: beat up somebody from West Virginia, because he is not from there
FOREIGNER GIMMICKS in this year’s Rough N Rowdy Brawl! “The Beard” is a high school student, currently in his 15th year as a senior, and he’s fighting because his step dad made him. He is extremely concerned with representing Kentucky and hopes to “show you West Virginia boys what a Kentucky ass-whoopin’ is all about.” He’s going to WHOOP BOYS!
Chance He’ll Win At Rough N Rowdy Brawl: 35%
Chance He’ll Have To Fight His Weird Step-Dad After The Rough N Rowdy Brawl: 100%
Name: “Big Kentucky” Robert Daniels
Mission: commit arson, bed West Virginia’s women
Here’s where the West Virginia/Kentucky war gets HEATED~. Meet “Big Kentucky” Robert Daniels, a Kentuckian lothario with asymmetrical teeth who believes his ability to “hang out all the time” makes him a shoo-in for victory at Rough N Rowdy Brawl. He is not afraid to burn a West Virginia Mountaineers t-shirt outside of a 7-Eleven, which would make him look dangerous if I hadn’t watched Bucky Boyd wander around with a chainsaw for 10 minutes. He has slept with everybody in West Virginia’s girlfriend. Probably.
Chance He’ll Win At Rough N Rowdy Brawl: 57%
Chance He’ll Have Sex With A Human Woman After The Rough N Rowdy Brawl: 0%