If you’d like to know what happened on tonight’s WWE Raw but don’t want to read move-by-move recaps or wordy paragraphs of exposition to decipher it, With Leather is here for you. Here’s what happened on the March 17, 2014.
WWE Raw Results: (Burnsy Edition)
– The show began with HHH, Batista and Randy Orton arguing over who got to figZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. After I woke up, Batista cried and screamed because Orton gave him an RKO and people were mean to him and HE WANTS TO GO LIVE WITH DAD.
The Real Americans defeated the Usos after the Usos spent all their energy on Jack Swagger, and Antonio Cesaro landed the Neutralizer. It wasn’t a tag team championship match, so the Usos are still champs.
– Kane tried to mend fences with The Shield after their disagreement at Smackdown. Then he called them replaceable because that’s what you do to three guys who just beat your ass. You insult them.
– Hornswoggle came out to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day but Bad News Barrett made fun of drunk people.
Sheamus defeated Titus O’Neil after Titus started picking on Hornswoggle, and Sheamus said, “Ay, not on St. Patty’s Day, fella.” Sheamus saved Hornswoggle from a slam and then shoved his face into Titus’s abs. Should have been a DQ.
– After the fight, Christian was upset that Sheamus announced his participation in the Andre the Giant Battle Royale, so he ruined St. Patty’s Day for everyone.
– John Cena came out and gave a very beautiful speech about Bray Wyatt. I know it was about Bray Wyatt, because if John Cena was an SEO expert, he would have cornered the Internet on Bray Wyatt by saying Bray Wyatt every other second. Then Bray Wyatt showed up on the screen in a Cena shirt and made fun of Nikki Bella. It was pretty great.
Daniel Bryan defeated Randy Orton after Batista speared Orton before he could hit Bryan with a chair. Bryan dropkicked Batista out of the ring and got the pin over Orton, before Batista got back in the ring and delivered a Batista Bomb on Orton for revenge.
– Paul Heyman came out to introduce a video about why Brock Lesnar is going to break the Undertaker’s streak. Sure, dude.
Goldust defeated Fandango, but sh*t almost got real at the end. Ol’ Dust was not happy with something that happened in the match, and he had a nice red spot next to his eye. I ain’t one of them fancy experts or nothing, but Fandango done goofed.
– Kane and the Shield came out to confront The King for something, and the Shield turned on Kane and beat him up. It was a relief, because we were all scared that they’d beat up Jerry Lawler. Anyway, it was pretty awesome. All the kids will be talking about it tomorrow.
The Funkadactyls defeated Tamina and AJ Lee after my girl Naomi and her badass eye patch pulled off the split leg moonsault on AJ. After, AJ got really mad at Tamina, so Tamina shoved her to the mat. Then I ran in and brushed her hair.
The Big Show defeated a bunch of other guys in the big man tag match. (I won’t lie, I may have been cleaning during this match.)
Bray Wyatt defeated Kofi Kingston by no real surprise to anyone on this planet.
– HHH came out to close the show with a conversation with Daniel Bryan, and he vowed to end the YES movement and chants. Then he praised Bryan for his tenacity and toughness, and he complimented his “big set” before Steph came out and stuffed HHH’s set back in her pocket. She called out the fake cops to arrest Bryan, and then the cops beat him up in front of an entire crowd of people like they do. BUT IT WAS ALL A RUSE! HHH knew they were fake cops, but they cuffed Bryan anyway and then HHH and Steph beat the crap out of him. There’s no law to be had in the WWE!