Best: Randy Orton Vacation Tweets
He’s happy to let you know that his shoulder is at 100%!
Also, how funny is it that Randy Orton wears more clothes on the beach than he does at work?
Best: Seth Rollins Speaking With A Purpose (Still Isn’t Dean Ambrose, But I’ll Take It)
take it home, seth
Okay, so in all seriousness, this was the best promo of Seth Rollins’ life. As a guy who watches wrestling critically (what we in the business call a “nerd”), I appreciate that he dialed back on a lot of the obnoxious speech tics and mannerisms he had when delivering face Shield promos and how he spoke clearly about how he felt and what he was planning to do. A lot of the material here was great … the statement that Ambrose and Reigns were never his brothers and just business partners is particularly cold, especially after all the triumphant fist posing they’ve been sharing over the last two years.
As a fan, though, a lot of it still doesn’t make sense. He had to “adapt,” because Evolution. Okay. Ambrose and Reigns didn’t want to adapt, or whatever! So he joined a team that he beat several times, because that’s what he needed to do to evolve. Cool. I think something along the lines of “I want a shot at the WWE Championship and I’m not gonna get that pissing off The Authority” could’ve gone a long way … something to really clarify what it means to adapt, beyond “my future,” and if you aren’t gonna address the whole THE SHIELD WORKED FOR TRIPLE H FOR ALMOST THEIR ENTIRE RUN IN WWE SO FAR thing, at least acknowledge that The Shield’s always been jerks and being a jerk isn’t suddenly a character change. A lot of it’s just “we’re good guys now vs. we’re bad guys now,” that thing that makes perfect sense when you’re a kid and a little less when you’re older. So that’s fine.
But yeah, this was good. The bad stuff happened afterward.
Worst: John Cena’s Helpless Pals
Nope nope nope.
WWE is taking the coolest thing they’ve created this decade (and one of the only truly “cool” things they’ve created in FOREVER) and pairing it up with the least cool thing on Planet Earth because Good Guys are pals. Somewhere backstage the Usos are high-fiving because they don’t have to be in John’s party anymore.
I could write 10 paragraphs of rage here, but I’ll put it this way … I knew Cena was the third guy, we all did, and when his horns hit it STILL hit me in the stomach. I was subconsciously denying reality to continue living in my idyllic world of mercenary swat teams in dog masks who triple powerbomb folks and here comes lime green-ass Fruity Pebble John Cena to open-window STF and lightly fireman’s carry slam the world itself. An incredible disappointment, and if I hadn’t already seen Daniel Bryan YESSING with Sign Guy it’d be the most disappointing pairing of the year.
Spoiler alert: they win later, so I guess it makes sense from The Shield’s perspective. Be Booster Gold and Blue Beetle for Superman, who cares?
Worst: Not Foxana Too, You Bastards
Good: Paige winning by submission, cleanly, and continuing her run as the Divas champ who is actually doing wrestling.
Bad: This dropkick.
It didn’t get enough height or momentum and Alicia stepped past it, but decided to sell it anyway. The only kayfabe explanation is that Paige’s kneepad caught Alicia’s hair and dragged her backwards.
Ugly: THEY ARE BREAKING UP FOXANA TOO, ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW
Last week they broke up The Shield and I’ve had a week to deal with it. This week they have Alicia Fox lose and attack Aksana, pouring water on her and beating her down with popcorn (?). After the meltdown Alicia starts hugging and kissing her so MAYBE they aren’t broken up, but Jesus, you can’t take away my Foxana too. Give me this one thing.
Next week, Drew McIntyre calls Jinder Mahal something racist and we never see 3MB again. At Money in the Bank, Cesaro breaks both of his legs!
Best: Kill The Cobra
Adam Rose got cut over the weekend and got stitches, so Santino got shuffled into the Rose/Swagger story to tread a little water. I’m giving the match a Best for one reason: Santino going for the Cobra, and Swagger just punching it the hell out of the way and hitting a powerbomb for the win. You know how long I’ve been waiting for Big Hoss to start Swaggerbombing people again?
I hope Zeb Colter is ignoring the most foreign, most nationalistic guy on the show (Rusev) because eventually Swagger’s gonna turn face as this SUPER AMERICAN to take out Putin’s monster. That’s something I’d like to see. Zeb vs. Lana in a debate about world leaders where they both agree that Obama sucks only to get REAL HEATED when discussing Putin is something I’d like to see more.