Week 2 was a crazy week of NFL football. The Jags, Browns, Bucs, Raiders and Redskins all won during the same week. The Giants crapped the bed again. The Chiefs crapped the bed too. The Colts and Eagles look miserable. Tony Romo died. Jay Cutler died. The Saints have turned back into the Aints, Seattle is 0-2, and the Jets are 2-0. My picks for last week didn’t look so good. I went 9-7, putting my record for the season at 19-13. Not great, but this is still early season, when things haven’t quite become clear yet.
As promised, here are the games I got wrong, illustrated:
Broncos
Raiders
Jaguars
Bucs
Vikings
Redskins
Browns
To keep things simple this week I’m going to condense the predictions down and just run through them right here. Week 3 is already upon us, and it starts…poorly.
REDSKINS @ NY GIANTS
This game is going to be complete garbage, don’t watch it, it’s better for your health.
If the Redskins win I will draw Tom Coughlin being taken behind the shed to be put down.
FALCONS @ COWBOYS
The Falcons have already vanquished two NFC East teams, and now they go against Brandon Weeden.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Crypt Keeper Brandon Weeden, Dez Bryant on crutches, and Sling Tony Romo attempting to dance.
COLTS @ TITANS
The Colts are bad, but the Titans have so many flaws.
If the Titans win, I will draw Duck Mariota pooping on Andrew Luck.
RAIDERS @ BROWNS
Both the Browns and Raiders won last week, but I think the Browns defense shuts down the Raiders.
If the Raiders win, I will draw the Brownie getting kicked by Amari Cooper.
BENGALS @ RAVENS
Bengals look good, Ravens look like they’ve got major problems. 1 p.m. Andy Dalton shows up again.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Steve Smith punching Adam “pacman” Jones.
JAGUARS @ PATRIOTS
The Jags are boned.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Blake Bortles deflating Tom Brady.
SAINTS @ PANTHERS
The Panthers haven’t looked great so far, but the Saints appear to be a dumpster fire and Brees is hurt.
If the Saints win, I will draw Rob Ryan eating Cam Newton.
EAGLES @ JETS
The Eagles aren’t going to get their offense working against probably the best defensive line in football.
If the Eagles win I will draw a crashed Jet Fighter with a Bald Eagle chilling on top.
BUCS @ TEXANS
The Texans have to win at some point, Foster might be back, and the Bucs are still bad.
If the Bucs win, I’ll draw Bucco Jameis Winston taunting JJ Watt.
CHARGERS @ VIKINGS
I have no idea if the Vikings are good or not so I’m going with Philip Rivers.
If the Vikings win I will draw Teddy Bridgewater pushing Rivers into a river under a bridge.
STEELERS @ RAMS
The Rams seem to only play well against rivals, so they’ll probably lose this one.
If the Rams win, I’ll draw Nick Foles playing tetris on Antonio Brown’s hair.
49ERS @ CARDINALS
The Cards look great, the 49ers not so much
If the 49ers win, I will draw Jim Tomsula calling Bruce Arians a hipster doofus.
BILLS @ DOLPHINS
I think the Dolphins might actually be a bad team.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Suh getting fined anyway.
BEARS @ SEAHAWKS
The Bears are starting Jimmy Clausen for the Seahawks’ home opener. This is going to be a bloodbath.
If the Bears win I will draw Jimmy Clausen sitting on a pile of the Legion of Boom.
BRONCOS @ LIONS
The Broncos have a good defense and the Lions have a good nothing.
If the Lions win I will draw old fart noodle arm Peyton Manning failing to eat a chicken parm.
CHIEFS @ PACKERS
Packers are one of the few teams in the NFL we can point to right now and say “Yeah, they are good.”
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Alex Smith discount double checking Aaron Rodgers with his tiny tiny hands.
