Baseball is Boring: Weekend Update

Wir mussen die Nation ausrotten!

Baseball has been a bit undersold at With Leather, so I’ve decided to take a break from nonstop webcomics and professional wrestling to remedy the problem. Unfortunately nobody likes to read about baseball, because it is boring and not football, so you kinda have to coax people into clicking the link and consolidate everything into concise blurbs, preferably featuring a 65 x 90 picture of Buster Olney. That guy really knows his stuff. Did you realize how important On Base Percentage is?

Anyway, Baseball is Boring is the column to read if you want to kinow what happened this weekend, but you don’t want to know badly enough to find out at a reputable news source. Also, you don’t want to Google “Barry Bonds steroids” in quotes.

Kinsler and Cruz break every record, all at once.

The Texas Rangers’ Ian Kinsler and Nelson Cruz made history by becoming the first set of teammates to homer in each of the first three games of a season on Sunday, closing out a sweep of the Red Sox. The duo set a number of records, because we live in a society that puts things like “most copies sold on Game Boy” in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Here’s the queick list: Kinsler and Cruz came into the game as one of only six teammates to homer in each of the first two games of the season, and Kinsler became the first player to hit a lead-off homer in the first two. Cruz’s homer was the second by a right-handed batter to reach the upper deck in right field at Rangers Ballpark. ESPN set a record by mentioning Cliff Lee for no reason in 100 of their first 100 stories about the Texas Rangers, and the Red Sox became the first team to make me laugh out loud in real life in 2011.

Should the Red Sox be worried about Tough Stains?

Da Nationz™ fell to 0-3 for the first time since 1996, a season that began 0-5. There are big stories up everywhere with sensationalist titles like “Should the Red Sox Be Worried?” Then you click on the title and it takes you to a one sentence blurb that says “of course not, there are 163 games left in the season, they are not going to go 0-163, what are you, stupid.” The Red Sox are off today, then will try to snap out of their funk starting Tuesday in Cleveland, which is sort of like trying to solve your sex addiction by hanging out in a leper colony.

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