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This week on Impact: Heels, deals, and zero Jennifer Beals! Switch on your youth, ‘cuz we’re going into Impact!
Worst vs. Best: Tired vs. Classic
I didn’t want to start off on a negative foot, but when a show starts out with MVP doing his best Montez Walker, I’m really not sure that I can come out positive guns a blazin’. See, I’m still not buying into the idea that MVP is a good guy. If Kurt Angle is a lumbering dinosaur of a bygone era, then MVP is the Pachycephalosaurus to Angle’s Apatasaurus: more agile, sure, but hard-headed as f-ck, with ideas and an attitude that should long since have died.
In a few sentences he manages to make fun of Dixie’s appearance (like his 41 year-old ass isn’t caked in HD makeup), question Magnus’s manhood (‘cuz he’s ~edgy and ~keepin’ it real), and put over the fact that he has zero idea of how a suit should fit. It’s like he printed off pictures of Todd Keneley and said yeah, just give me the opposite. It also leads me to believe that the biggest heel move of EC3 thus far is withholding the name of his tailor.
But we’re not here to debate how a suit should fit (spoiler alert not like that), we’re here to lock down some Lockdown contracts! Shockingly, the biggest surprise of this segment is that I actually like MVP adding the submission-only stipulation to the title match between Magnus and Samoa Joe. Well, submission or tap out, because I guess they’re two different things now. Dixie has been making all of these no DQ matches, allowing run-ins from Team Dixie to skew the matches the way she needs them, so it’s a really nice call back to something that has already happened. Someone watched the show! Good for you, that person. Let’s call you Steve.
Now, if Steve really has seen more than one episode of the show that employs him, he knows that Magnus’s submissions are shoot garbage, and a current Samoa Joe submission match is just joke punches and aggressive cuddling. Steve is now Magnus’s biggest fan, because while MVP is tiresome and grating, Magnus is kicking my ass right now. Being the biggest sh*theel in your own country ABOUT your home country with a campy throwback heel delivery is so wonderful that guys, I am…*whispers* looking forward to this match.
Don’t tell anyone, though. I’ve got a rep to uphold.
Worst: Man, Taxi Driver has not held up
Worst, but with a caveat: BOOOOOOOOOO
See, Steve here realised that they maximized their time overseas by taping roughly 237 weeks of television ahead of time, but would still be running house shows back in the US. Steve paid attention, and created a logical progression of a narrative by marrying events from two different periods of time with planning and forethought. Three for you, Steve.
A Nice Thing About The American Wolves: Davey Richards is really fast in his flippidy doo pins.
Best: A Hard Day’s Bro
This is such a tiny, throwaway thing, but on a show that makes me Just So Mad™, the BroMans going for a bit of madcap comedy make me smile. Thank you for being ridiculous people, bros.
Best: The Brotacular finish to an otherwise underwhelming match
I put on my objective eyes and tried really hard to enjoy this match, but I feel like this is where the divide between me and some of you lovely readers gets its widest. Predictably the crowd loved this match, and while I thought it was boring, I can see why. The second good thing I will say about the Wolves is that, to their credit, what they lack in charisma or personality of really any sort whatsoever, they make up in speed. Having two perceivably young guys (both are 30) come in like a house of fire and force everyone to match their pace feels fresh, and of course would be welcomed on a show where most of the matches move slower than Kevin Nash climbing into a ring. The problem, however, is that it’s all pointless. It’s speed and flippidy doos and jumps and kicks that don’t really have any weight or meaning to them. There’s no impact in this Impact match. You know, it’s the joke that Davey Richards can’t make it in WWE or Avon, ‘cuz he can’t sell for sh*t. There’s no logical response to the moves they’re delivering other than a momentary OW MY BACK or YEAH LOOK WHAT I CAN DO sh*teating grin. No cause and effect, just BOOM BOOM BOOM ARE YOU IMPRESSED YET.
But this is still a best, because oh lord, Robbie E, you are a treat. I am LIVING for the gentle tap on Richards’ boot. Stealing a win in a comedic heel fashion is a million times better than fifty moves in two seconds for no reason other than you can.