Were you aware that the Boston Red Sox had beards? I had no idea until today! Huh! Huh!
Seriously though, the Red Sox won the World Series and still the only thing people care about is their beards. Earlier this month the American Mustache Institute issued a cease & desist letter to prevent the Sox from marketing their facial hair with terms like “beardism,” and today the Dollar Shave Club has promised to donate money to charity for every Boston player that braids their beards on the Internet.
BEARDS BEARDS BEARDS.
Bushy beards may or may not have propelled the Boston Red Sox to their first World Series win at home in 95 years. Why mess with a good thing?
Dollar Shave Club, the men’s lifestyle brand that started with a promise to deliver high quality razors right to your doorstep at affordable prices, will donate $1000 to a Red Sox player’s charity of choice if he braids his beard and hangs a card from it naming that charity. All they require is photo proof tweeted to @dollarshaveclub.
“Dollar Shave Club has no official interest in shaving the facial talismans that brought a world series win to the beautiful, bearded borough of Boston,” said Michael Dubin, Chairman and CEO of Dollar Shave Club. “Dollar Shave Club will even send a braiding technician to their home or location of choice to help.”
I want to imagine a world where Dustin Pedroia’s staring at himself in the mirror, wanting to be clean-shaven but not wanting to put in the effort and then poof, this e-mail pops up on his phone and he squees and invites a stranger into his home to yank him in the face. A “braiding technician?” Really? I think my 13-year old cousin is one of those.
We (or noted Dollar Shave Club superfan Danger Guerrero) will keep you updated on whether or not these guys have been properly groomed, and I’ll marathon however many episodes there are of Duck Dynasty to make all the crappiest jokes.
Edit: We previously stated that Dollar Shave Club wanted to shave the Red Sox because … well, you know, they’re the Dollar Shave Club. This was incorrect, and we apologize to the braiding technicians.