In case you aren’t following the biggest lawsuits in baseball with a breathless anticipation for each and every legal document, I’ll break down the big two for you very easily:
1) Alex Rodriguez is suing Major League Baseball for trying to destroy him.
2) Albert Pujols is suing former pitcher and radio host Jack Clark for accusing him of using performance-enhancing drugs during his career.
The first one is going to be a colossal doozie of its own, well beyond the hilariously cartoonish protests being held to make Rodriguez look like a modern day civil rights icon, so we’ll be sure to highlight it as it moves along. The second one, though, has barely been mentioned because on the surface it’s a complete joke. But peel back the layers a little, and you’ll see that it’s actually a massively hilarious joke that just got a hell of a lot funnier this week, when Clark’s attorney, Albert Watkins, challenged Pujols to take a lie detector test.
Here’s the gist of the challenge and lawsuit: Clark claims that Pujols’ former trainer admitted to him that he had previously administered PEDs to Pujols during his years with the St. Louis Cardinals. Pujols, of course, denies it and is suing Clark for defamation of character, and any monies recovered will be donated to charity. Per the challenge, both Clark and Pujols would take lie detector tests, and if Pujols fails, he has to publicly apologize to Clark (while also admitting to the world that he cheated and lied). If Clark fails, he has to publicly apologize to Pujols and retract every bad thing he’s said.
However, in the case of both men, it’s not a lie… if they believe it. Regardless, Pujols has eight days left to either accept the challenge or face the wrath of Clark’s attorney, as he laid out in this incredibly hilarious letter – an actual legal document – that he will “vigorously proceed with what inevitably will be a highly charged, entertaining and public spectacle.”
Obviously, I don’t expect you to read the entire letter, as I assume you’re all busy doing pushups and dating models, but I have clipped this excerpt to show you how ridiculous it truly is: