Kim Kardashian Is Fat, Kris Humphries Is Gay, Free World Destroyed By Bombshells

12.01.11 5 years ago 16 Comments

star-kris-is-gayBefore we start, a bit of advice: don’t google “star kris is gay” looking for a photo of this magazine cover without your SafeSearch on. It’s not accurate.

So it turns out Kris Humphries is gay, or at least that’s the word from the woman who just married him for real because they loved each other. Of course his rep is issuing statements about how the accusations are “completely false and ridiculous,” adding, “He is not gay”, not ever stopping to just say “what, are you serious? It’s 2011, stop being stupid”. YOUR GAY in all caps with the improper possessive adjective shouldn’t still be a thing, especially from adults with television shows, and the only reason I’m sharing this cover is because of the awesome, almost Middle Earth-style universe it creates with its sub-headlines.

He wouldn’t touch her after the honeymoon


Now: Kris vows to DESTROY the Karashians!

They could’ve written SPIDER-MAN: NO MORE across the top and it would’ve been just as reputable. “What Khloe saw” is pretty funny because the TMZ super capitalization for emphasis and because you can make lots of great “she could see over everybody” jokes, but the Jack Kirby finishing line is the best. I love the idea that Kris Humphries is a gay mad scientist who managed to trick his way into the family, but now that his evil dark gay secret has been revealed he’s quitting sports and championing a bunch of maniacal robots to destroy Kardashian Headquarters. He could wear a rainbow cape. Star Magazine is a better comic than at least 48 of the DC 52.

And I don’t know what the hell is up with Guy Fieri and BOOBS, BABES AND MURDER down in the corner, but I hope they weren’t gay babes, and I hope it wasn’t gay murder.

[h/t Sportress of Blogitude]

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