Last year, the NFL started doing something it should’ve done long ago: allow players to pick what song will be played when their name is called. You can see the musical choices from the 2014 first round, but we won’t know what songs we’ll be hearing this year until draft night. So while we wait, why not consider what tunes we’d want blaring from the speakers as we strolled up to shake the commissioner’s cold, lifeless hand?
Fugazi / “Waiting Room”
Chris Mottram, Managing Editor, Sports
This song works on two levels. First, on draft day you are literally in a room waiting desperately for your name to be called (“Please don’t leave me to remain / In the waiting room”). Second, if there is any way to announce your intention to kick ass, it is with a Fugazi song. “I’m planning a big surprise / I’m gonna fight / For what I want to be.” In my case, that would be a back-up kicker because I’m terrified of physical contact, but you can imagine how intimidating that could be if I was 6’5, 290, and had any athletic talent whatsoever.
Notorious B.I.G. Ft. Bone Thugs-n-Harmony / “Notorious Thugs”
Martin Rickman, Senior Writer, Sports
I’ve got to let everybody I know I’m from Cleveland somehow, and doing so with a song that features Bone Thugs is as good a way as any. Any time I need to get going or need a little bit of extra motivation, I toss this on. Plus the intro is about 10 minutes long so it can run and run while I take my time getting up to the podium. We done paved the way and I’m on the run.
My Morning Jacket / “Holdin’ On To Black Metal”
Tom Mantzouranis, Managing Editor, Music & Culture
There’s really no deep or elaborate reason why. The lyrics aren’t at all representative. It’s not my favorite song ever; I don’t even know if it’d be one of my top 500 songs ever (though I do like it quite a bit). Need a reason why? Just listen to it. Listen to that swagger, the way the band kicks off already in full-on strut mode, and then the horns and the backup vocalists come in. It’s epic. When my name is called, just let Jim James and Co. rock while I pimp-walk my way up to the Rog.
Ghostface Killah / “The Champ”
Danger Guerrero, Writer/Editor
Three reasons. One, because it bangs hard as hell and is the best possible entrance music for any occasion (draft, wedding, Presidential inauguration, etc.). Two, the horns. Three, it will be hilarious when they pull up the footage 25 years from now in the inevitable 30 for 30 about my staggering public and professional downfalls.
Chicago Bears Shufflin’ Crew / “The Super Bowl Shuffle”
Brandon Stroud, Pro Wrestling Editor
The ultimate football confidence song, especially if you aren’t getting drafted by the Bears. Every team should be required to record an EP about their Super Bowl win, and at least 50 percent should exist as dorky 80s rap songs. I would also like the Super Bowl Shuffle to play when I attend important meetings, or enter rooms in my home.
Whitney Houston / “You Give Good Love”
Brett Michael Dykes, Uproxx Editor-In-Chief
I’m a lover. I’m a cuddler. I’m a hair-player-wither. A massage-giver — back, neck, feet, butt, whatever — I don’t care. I’m a love-letter writer. A sweet note leaver. I’ll cook you dinner. And make sure your apartment is always stocked with fresh flowers. In other words, I give good love, so this is the appropriate song for me, I think.
Eric B and Rakim / “I Ain’t No Joke”
Spencer Lund, Managing Editor DIME
BIGGIE, Mos Def, Talib Kweli and especially Nas, were all influenced by Rakim, and his hip hop battle rap on “I Ain’t No Joke,” perfectly sums up the WR —- who maybe smoked a little pot in college and fell in the first round — trope that happens every couple of years (I’m thinking of Randy Moss, but others qualify). Plus, the verbal dexterity Rakim exhibits on the track shows the NYC crowd you’re not in the cannabis clouds anymore but focused on the game. It doesn’t hurt that Rakim grew up in Suffolk county and is one of New York’s OG emcee’s heralded by everyone in the hip hop community as one of the greatest rappers ever to grace the mic. That’s gonna be you on the field. Rakim’s line before his first chorus, “Biting it will make you choke, you can’t provoke / You can’t cope, you should have broke / Because I ain’t no joke” is also a warning to those fellow gangly WR’s —- some of whom were drafted ahead of you —- that they aren’t in your class on the field. Sorta like all the emcee’s who tried to duplicate Rakim. There is only one Rakim.
Kanye West / “Can’t Tell Me Nothing”
Morgan Moriarty, Sports Contributor
Let me start by saying that I am biased here because I am a huge Kanye West fan. Like any Yeezy song, “Can’t Tell Me Nothing” has a special shoutout to all the haters out there. The chorus alone, “Wait till I get my money right” would be perfect as I walk across the stage about to make over a million dollars. The lyric “Old folks talking bout back in my day/Well homie this is my day” is one of my particular favorites. Yeezy season, y’all.
Whitney Houston / “I Will Always Love You”
Brian Sharp, Sports Contributor
I would demand that the song be started right at the loud drum beat at the 3:09 mark after my name was called, which of course Whitney would follow up by belting out, “Annnnnnd I!” There is no crescendo in sports like the lead-up to having your name called at the NFL draft, and no crescendo in music like Whitney’s following that drum beat. It’s the perfect metaphor. That, and people would be confused as sh*t.
Stone Temple Pilots / “Sour Girl”
Andrew Husband, Contributing Writer/Editor
Most of these songs include titles with loud, steady beats and blasting vocals. With my calmer temperament, I’ve opted for the soothing soft rock tones of the Stone Temple Pilots’ classic about failed relationships. Considering the NFL’s recent history with domestic violence, it’s probably not the best pick, but it means I could dance like Scott Weiland when I approach the podium.
A$AP Rocky / “Celebration”
Matthew Rothstein, Sports Contributor
Beyond the obvious (the title) and the impossibly joyous beat (church organs never get old in hip hop), Rocky’s boast of buying his mom “a condo, a guitar and a gift card down at Costco” reflects perfectly what the NFL Draft is really about: getting paid and buying your mom stuff to thank her for all the crap she put up with. Plus, the fact that it’s a lesser-known song that never made it onto an album would allow me to point at the crowd and cup my ear, fulfilling my lifelong dream of showing millions of people a song they’ve never heard and seeing all of them jam to it.
Jim Johnston / “I Won’t Do What You Tell Me”
Eddie ‘Banksy’ Gonzalez, Smoking Section Contributing Writer/Editor
I waffled a bit. The sheer badassery of Mike Tyson walking out to LL Cool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out” almost got me. Then there was “Public Service Announcement,” by Jay Z simply because I’m a Jay Z fan and that’s the quintessential Hov track. And finally I considered Drake’s “We Made It,” for obvious reasons. But nothing, and I mean nothing, can beat the pure, unadulterated joy I would get out of that iconic glass shattering after my name is uttered by the worst commissioner in sports. I would probably get a fine just for my saunter up to the stage because how could I do the Stone Cold ring walk without flipping the double bird? Could you imagine Goodell’s face when I give the nod to someone in my entourage and they toss me a few Stevewisers? I should have been planning for this my whole life.
Queen / “Don’t Stop Me Now”
Jamie Frevele, Writer, Entertainment & Web Culture
Is there really a better song warning people that you are a force with which to be reckoned? Especially if I was being drafted as my dream position, wide receiver for the New York Giants, which is a fantasy that a 5’4 white woman will never get to live. If I can threaten people with turning them supersonic and burning at the speed of light and being a person who cannot be stopped no matter what, then I will take that. Anything that involves anything “like a tiger,” that’s what I want people to think when I’m running the ball across 50+ yards. RAWR. ZOOM.
Eminem / “No Apologies”
Dariel Figueroa, Senior Contributor and Features Writer
There inevitably will come the time when I would fumble the ball or miss a tackle because, honestly, I have no business being in the NFL Draft. I’m clumsy, flat-footed, and I don’t have a plethora of tattoos. So, no apologies, b*tches. “Expect no sympathy from me …”
Andy Isaac, Editor, Sports
The Bangles / “Walk Like An Egyptian”
I’m Egyptian so the “why” is pretty self-explanatory here. Also, it’s the best song of the ‘80s. Also, Egyptians are great people and should be celebrated often. Thank you. Bye.
Theophilus London & A$AP Rocky / “Big Spender”
Pete Blackburn, Assignment Manager
Not only does this song bump — it’s probably one of my favorite hip-hop tracks of the past handful of years — it’s also a pretty damn great soundtrack for becoming an instant millionaire. After putting my body on the line while toiling away for free in the college ranks for 3-4 years, I wouldn’t waste a single second before celebrating being rich as hell. Also, my entourage would be raining money and popping bottles all around me as I walked up to the stage. It’s only right.
Kevin Gates / “John Gotti”
John Gotty, Editor, The Smoking Section
By default, Kevin Gates’ “John Gotti” is the most appropriate song since it announces my arrival by name. Others may have cooler songs, but no one else in this draft class has a song that yells out their nickname as they’re approaching the imaginary stage to shake hands with the commish. In fact, having a trump card like that should make me the number one pick if we’re being honest here.
UGK feat. OutKast / “International Players Anthem”
Michael Depland, Writer, Entertainment & Web Culture
Getting drafted by a team is a little like getting married. At first, it’s all excitement and giddiness and free food, and all my friends and family are there. But when you realize you’re on a squad with a 2-14 record, everything gets very real, very quickly. It’s all about getting chosen by the right team. That’s what “International Players Anthem” is truly about. Also, I would asked to be seated in the very back so I can hear the song play in its entirety as I creep up. Every lyric is precious.
Screamin’ Jay Hawkins / “I Am The Cool”
Jessica Hudnall, Sports Contributor
There’s so much sneer and swagger just in the opening licks, there’s no way I could ever measure up to how awesome the song is, which is fitting since I know I’ll be a draft bust. I almost went with anything by Run the Jewels, but that would result in me punching Roger Goodell, and while that would make everyone feel good, it’s probably not the best way to start a NFL career.
Survivor / “I Can’t Hold Back”
Ashley Burns, Person who writes
People think “Eye of the Tiger” is Survivor’s biggest and best sports theme song, but those people know bupkis about anthems. “I Can’t Hold Back,” according to its incredible music video, is the story of a guy who is so pumped up about a random girl that he’s willing to have sex with her on the subway as people watch. If a team is willing to take a chance on me in the first round, I’d want them to know that I was that pumped up to prove my value and show my appreciation. Also, I’d want to have the same haircut as the guy who holds up the “Hardcore” album in the beginning of the video, because that is pure class.
Johnny Thunders and the Heartbreakers / “Get Off the Phone”
Josh Kurp, Writer/Editor
In an expected mix of ego and pessimism, I’m assuming in this totally fictional NFL Draft, I’d be a top-five pick, which means I’m probably heading to some stank team. Like the Redskins. So when Daniel Snyder calls to say that I’m taking over for RG3, I’d put the phone up to the speaker during the part of the song where Johnny Thunders sings, “Get off the phone, there’s nobody home/So get off the phone, ‘cause I don’t want you, ‘cause I don’t want you,” and demand to be traded. Then I’d be labeled a malcontent, and my career would be over. Worth it.
How about you? Fire away in the comments and tell us what song you’d pick as your walk-up music.
