Power Rankings are a pointless, arbitrary waste of time. Except when we do them. Then, they kick copious amounts of ass.
1. Marissa Miller. In the tub featuring her trademark nudity and Sharpie-style mascara. Me likey.
2. The Great Clown Search Of 2009. If you’re a clown in the Vegas area with a heart of gold and a low tolerance for alcohol, let’s get together.
3. Crostini and Balalaika. Why do I feel like if I make this recipe that it’ll kill me in the name of Islam?
4. Four for the price of one. UFL VP Rick Mueller is also the league’s general manager. No, he’s the general manager for ALL FOUR TEAMS. Gold star for you, sir.
5. Bacon. It’s the Michael Jordan AND Scottie Pippen of meats!
6. The Bengals’ drag on the economy in Cincinnati. You get what you pay for, losers. Let this be a lesson to any other city looking to kiss their team’s ass with a new stadium.
7. Bruce Pearl’s sense of humor. There’s already an uptick on Klan jokes in college basketball this year.
8. Jerry Jones’ lessons in life. Step 1: build a $1.5 billion dollar stadium.
9. Obama the Puppetmaster. New to me. But still good. Fuggin’ Eskimo!
10. Cheating in soccer. Somehow, they’ll figure out how to do this in the NFL. And it will be awesome.