Bums from Scotland proved themselves superior to bums throughout the rest of the world with their 9-3 win over Poland in the Homeless World Cup championship game in Copenhagen. They got a crappy-looking trophy and everything, which was quickly traded in for one of those really long submarine sandwiches and a case of Budweiser Hurricanes.
In a related story, fifteen players from four countries (Burundi, Liberia, Cameroon, and Afghanistan) abandoned their teams and have gone missing. And who can blame them? They must be so excited to be homeless in a new country. They might not speak Denmarkese or Hollandaise or whatever the native language in Copenhagen is, but it beats running away from dinosaurs and mass executions and whatever else is going on in those countries. I heard that Afghanistan doesn't even have oxygen in its air. People have to get by on nitrogen and fumes from piles of human waste.
In other homeless news: a hobo tasered himself in the groin. Because what else does he have to live for?