Okay, okay! We believe you! Just don’t stick it in there.
U.S. Open — Serena Williams beat older sister Venus in a close-fought quarterfinal match, winning 7-6, 7-6 after trailing 5-3 in both sets. The win marks the bazillionth time these two have faced off without me getting a boner… Today’s big match: Novak Djokovic versus the resurgent Andy Roddick. Please, please, please: crowd shots of Leryn Franco and Brooklyn Decker. Making out.
MLB — Alex Rodriguez made history! Yay! … By being the first player to have a home run reviewed by replay. Oh. A-Rod’s ninth-inning blast came at the end of the Yanks’ 8-4 win over the Rays… Someone named Randy Wolf shut out the Cubs as the Astros won their 8th straight, 4-0. Oh man, can the Cubs actually blow their division lead? Because that would be awesome… King Felix allowed only one run, but the Mariners still SCREW BASEBALL THE NFL STARTS TONIGHT WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!