South Carolina cornerback Victor Hampton posted the above image to his Instagram account, and in case you don’t get it, that’s a giant Clemson Tigers orange paw print that some dastardly rascal spray painted on the field. To make matters worse, the very same scoundrel also sprayed “Go Tigers” on one of the Cockabooses next to the field, and when I finished laughing at that word, I was just as outraged as every Tom, Dick and SWAGGY Steve on that gorgeous campus in Columbia.
Fortunately, I have watched a few episodes of CSI in my day, and I fancy myself a bit of a sleuth when it comes to matters of the prankish persuasion, and not only have I already solved this crime using my alter ego, Sheriff BRO, but I will reveal the perpetrator to the entire world right now.
Right off the bat, what do we know? That orange paw print is the logo of the Clemson Tigers, obviously. So open and shut case, right bros? WRONG BROS. As if any college guy was stupid enough to spray paint his own team’s logo on his rival’s field. If it were this simple, that bro would have had to have been at least, like, 8 Jager bombs deep, and even then would he make a pledge drive him two hours from Clemson to Columbia? Hell no! He’d be pissing in the bushes outside the Chi O house, waiting for his ex to get back from the Sigma Nu Heaven & Hell party at Doctor Rocco’s so he can cry and vomit on her car.
No, this prank was orchestrated by a much more devious bro, or perhaps not even a bro at all. Maybe this prank was pulled off by a nerd, bent on getting revenge against the jocks and bros who push him into the bushes when he’s riding his long board or take dumps in his Vespa helmet. Maybe the student-athletes at USC have long taken their student tutors for granted, and finally one was so fed up that he did the most diabolical thing that he could think of and add fuel to an already intense in-state football rivalry.
But what he didn’t expect was that someone as handsome and intelligent as me would take up this investigation and see right through his charade. So while the perpetrator sits in his dorm room, probably arguing about Doctor Who versus Battlestar Galactica with his lab partner, Abhichandra, I’m about to expose him for the vile felon that he really is.
Ladies and gentlemen, bros and babes, I present to you Emerson Cullen “Fogey” Fogleberg, Jr.
He’s all yours, Columbia police.
(Images via Shutterstock)