“Suck For Luck” Power Rankings: Week 7

Senior Writer
10.25.11 7 Comments

While a 2-win record is hardly something to be proud of through Week 7, it has become the first actual dividing line between the pretenders and contenders for this “Suck for Luck” sweepstakes. At this point in the season, there are two clear cut contenders, one terrible team that isn’t in the hunt but may benefit well beyond just a first pick, one surprisingly bad team that we didn’t think would be looking for a QB, and one team that just sucks but will probably win a few more.

We’ll get to naming those teams is a moment, but I wanted to first discuss the latest hot topic surrounding our beloved hero, Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck. The question has been raised plenty – would Luck stay another year if he didn’t like the teams that would be drafting him at No. 1?

As we discussed last week, the answer is, of course, no. He graduates at the end of the spring and would be insane to stay another season for the sake of another degree and pass up $50 million. The new question beyond that is – would he pull an Eli Manning and force a trade if he doesn’t like the team that drafts him at No. 1? At first I’d say the answer is also no, because he doesn’t have a father like Archie Manning to be a d*ck on his behalf, but then Luck’s father, Oliver, is the athletic director at West Virginia, so it’s not out of the realm of possibility that he would be involved in his son’s professional future.

After all, Luck was influenced to stay at Stanford this season by none other than Peyton Manning. That fact should make Dolphins fans a little more depressed today, but I still don’t think Miami is a city or team that any rookie turns down.

(Banner via 30 FPS)

"Ya big jerk."

1) Indianapolis Colts (0-7) – Nobody, including myself, is really mentioning the fact that Manning and Luck have a relationship already. Sure, it may have been a simple “Hey, go back to school, dummy” as they walked past each other, but that’s the kind of groundwork that makes for a nauseating storyline these next few months. I’m just more surprised that this isn’t a bigger storyline, which is why I should stop talking about it.

2) Miami Dolphins (0-6) – It would be typical Miami – for lack of a better term – luck if the Dolphins finally have a shot at a legit franchise QB, and they draft him No. 1 and he says, “Nah, I’m gonna need you to trade me.” I know, it’s a long way away and Indy’s 62-7 loss Sunday night seemed like a hell of a “Oh you think that’s a bad loss, Miami? Watch this!” statement. These two teams are going to really turn up the suck now.

Also, there’s a rumor that the South Florida ABC affiliate has made a request to air Stanford games for the rest of the season. Look at Miami rallying.

3) St. Louis Rams (0-6) – Whereas the Colts and Dolphins have asterisks next to their losses for how pure their intentions truly are, the Rams are just a miserable mess. They clearly don’t want to be in this position, otherwise they wouldn’t bother trading for Brandon Lloyd and bringing Mark Clayton off the PUP. Factor in the Cardinals blowing the World Series and we may need to put St. Louis on suicide watch.

4) Arizona Cardinals (1-5) – Kevin Kolb hasn’t been terrible and lord knows the Cardinals gave up enough to get him, but you have to think that Ken Whisenhunt is watching Stanford highlights and staring off into the distance, just wondering.

5) Minnesota Vikings (1-6) – Good news: Christian Ponder didn’t look horrible. Bad news: The Vikings still don’t have a legitimate receiving threat. *whispers* Justin Blackmon…

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6) Denver Broncos (2-4) – As a Miami Dolphins fan, I fully expected the non-Denver world to pour on the anger after Sunday’s loss. Tim Tebow looked like the worst QB in NFL history through 3 quarters. And then every ESPN football analyst started fapping with delight as he was just good enough to manipulate piss poor defensive play calling and win from behind. At least he gave us this:

7) Seattle Seahawks (2-4) – Don’t count the Seahawks out of anything. This team is an absolute mess.

8) Jacksonville Jaguars (2-5) – I really loved this recent headline from the Onion:

9) Philadelphia Eagles (2-4) – I try to stay far away from message boards for any sports because they’re filled with the world’s most depraved, clueless and evil people, but someone emailed me a rumor that the Eagles will bounce Andy Reid after this season for Bill Cowher, and my only response was, “I sure hope not, this is too much fun!”

10) Carolina Panthers (2-5) – Still the most exciting team without any ability to play defense in the NFL.

11) Kansas City Chiefs (3-3) – Look at the Chiefs, all grown up and climbing out of the Top 10. Looks like Todd Haley finally got his team under control and reminded them that the rest of their division doesn’t suck anymore.

12) Washington Redskins (3-3) – With all due respect, I had the Redskins’ season falling apart a lot earlier than this. Like, Week 2.

13) Tennessee Titans (3-3) – Chris Johnson is quietly blaming the Titans’ offensive line for the fact that he sucks. Meanwhile, the Titans are saying that his conditioning was poor while he was holding out and that’s why he’s been a complete bust this season. Either way, at least they gave him $30 million guaranteed.

14) Dallas Cowboys (3-3) – DeMarco Murray set the franchise’s single game record for rushing yardage against the sad sack Rammies. For his next trick, he’s going to learn how to play quarterback.

15) Cleveland Browns (3-3) – Poor Peyton Hillis. He has a monster season, expects the Browns to recognize that with a nice contract and make him their featured back for the immediate future. Now he’s out for God knows how long with a hammy injury and Montario Hardesty is settling in just nicely. Oh, the plight of the white running back marches on.

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Ashley Burns has written about movies, TV, and sports for UPROXX since the site's first day.

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