“Suck For Luck” Power Rankings: Week 9

Senior Writer
11.08.11 9 Comments

"Sometimes a mommy and a daddy just don't love each other anymore, Painty."

With news that Peyton Manning’s neck is simply not healing as expected, it has become clearer than ever that the Indianapolis Colts may be without their legendary franchise quarterback for longer than just this season. We’re talking forever (forever ever). That’s why it’s disheartening to see Colts fans (like the fellas from last week’s banner image) enjoying this whole “Suck for Luck” idea so much. It’s not like Manning suited up for Week 1 and said, “Screw this” and closed a car door on his neck. And it’s not like he’s holding the franchise hostage either.

When Manning originally signed his 4-year extension, it was reported that he was essentially receiving $99 million in guaranteed cash. Of course, that also meant that he had to stay healthy to get that money. You see, that sly hick actually included a clause in his contract that lets the Colts off the hook if he’s unable to play. That’s pretty classy. Not like, you know, crossing Manning’s name out on your replica jersey and writing Luck over it.

But then, that’s the biggest problem I have with this whole thing. Colts fans are allowed to openly cheer for their team to lose because they need to replace Manning. Dolphins fans, though, are jerks and assh*les because they want a shot at their first franchise QB since Dan Marino. Oh well, that all took a step towards moot this week anyway.

1) Indianapolis Colts (0-9) – This week we’ll see how serious the Colts are about actually winning a game. The Jacksonville Jaguars are the only team Indy has a shot left to beat and they play each other twice. Call this Miami’s only hope.

2) St. Louis Rams (1-7) – The Rams have scored just 100 points this whole season. They weren’t exactly pegged to emulate the Greatest Show on Turf this season, but they also weren’t supposed to be Florida Atlantic either.

"Tough titties, suck-o."

3) Miami Dolphins (1-7) – My Dolphins friends and I all agreed that this game was the game. It just had “effort” and “giving a crap” written all over it. Then Vontae Davis picked a fight with Brandon Marshall at practice and I know that Marshall is trying extra hard to get people to think he’s a good teammate so he was obviously going to show up (Davis was also rumored to be drunk at practice) and Reggie Bush is clearly rolling around in wet Armenian dough again, so he’s shocking us all. Here’s to 4 wins and another lackluster first round pick.

4) Arizona Cardinals (2-6) – Apparently beating the Rams 19-13 qualifies John Skelton to be in a QB controversy with Kevin Kolb. Like it not, Cardinals fans, you are stuck with Kolb for the next few seasons. That is, until the Dolphins offer 6 draft picks for him.

5) Seattle Seahawks (2-6) – Pete Carroll told reporters he is very upset and surprised with his team’s 2-6 start. Then he slapped some ice on Tavaris Jackson’s torn pectoral and told him to go throw the ball another 30 times.

6) Minnesota Vikings (2-6) – No better way to build some momentum coming out of the bye week after a 3-point win over another 2-6 team than to take on the undefeated Green Bay Packers. I smell an upset!

7) Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6) – The Jaguars are at a crossroad this week. They can either muscle up and destroy the Indianapolis Colts like they should, or they can play down to the Colts level to not only help themselves get a better draft pick that can help their terrible offense but to also tell the Colts, “Hey, it’s not f*cking cool to suck on purpose.”

8) Carolina Panthers (2-6) – I don’t think the Panthers knew what kind of runner they were getting when they drafted Cam Newton and how quickly he would transition to the NFL. If they knew it would be like this, Imagine what else they could have done with that money they wasted on DeAngelo Williams.

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It's a bad year for dudes named Peyton.

9) Cleveland Browns (3-5) – Who farted in Peyton Hillis’ Cheerios this season? All the guy had to do was show up, play hard and produce like he did last season and he would have received a fair offer. Otherwise he could have walked and signed with another team. It’s not a difficult idea. Instead, he became this hissy fit diva. Enjoy your career as a backup, bud.

10) Denver Broncos (3-5) – So now that Tim Tebow is 2-1 as a starter, the rest of pro sports’ biggest athletes are kissing his ass. LeBron James and Dwight Howard Tweeted at him that they’ll play with him in Denver if the NBA lockout continues. I assume Carmelo Anthony still said no.

11) Washington Redskins (3-5) – If you thought this year’s QB controversy between Rex Grossman and John Beck was fun, wait until you see next year’s battle between Chad Henne and Kyle Orton!

12) Philadelphia Eagles (3-5) – Not only was Mike Vick named the most hated player in the NFL in some worthless poll last week, but he was also dealing with a woman’s claims that she was going to sell full frontal nude pics of the Eagles QB to tabloids. Why do women think this scares black men? Also, this guy rules:

13) Tennessee Titans (4-4) – Even by saying they’d be interested in signing Terrell Owens, the Titans have rubbed his stink all over themselves and cursed their chances of winning. They might as well sign him now so they can blame him.

14) Kansas City Chiefs (4-4) – I can’t imagine that Todd Haley didn’t see this weekend’s game against the Dolphins as a total trap game, but it sure seemed like the Chiefs were just asleep. The whole thing was just hard to watch.

15) Oakland Raiders (4-4) – How does Darrius Heyward-Bey have 385 receiving yards in four games during October and not factor into the gameplan in a big divisional matchup? I don’t even care what the Raiders do, but it’s maddening watching them blow these opportunities.

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"So long and thanks for all the picks."

16) San Diego Chargers (4-4) – At least they put on a hell of a show this weekend. And 8,000 interceptions or not, Philip Rivers will probably still lead them to a division title.

17) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-4) – This team has the sloppiest, most underachieving offense I’ve seen this season. But I’ve also seen Josh Freeman in a bar smoking Marlboro Reds, so it’s not too shocking.

18) Dallas Cowboys (4-4) – Rob Ryan called himself the best in the game at what he does. I assume that’s not about his job as a defensive coordinator as much as it’s about his ability to make himself look like a complete asshole.

19) Atlanta Falcons (5-3) – So that Julio Jones guy is pretty good, huh?

20) Chicago Bears (5-3) – In the aforementioned poll that tabbed Vick as the most hated man in the NFL, Jay Cutler ranked No. 5. J-Cutty is new and improved, folks. He’s happier, funnier, and his chick says he has a fine ass.

21) Buffalo Bills (5-3) – Ryan Fitzpatrick didn’t look as much like a QB who just received $59 million for playing great as he looked like a QB that just received $59 million.

22) New England Patriots (5-3) – Randy Moss is supposedly still making himself available to the right team and he has had interest from unnamed teams. I’m not saying he’d be a right fit for the Pats again, but they should at least call him to see if he’ll come pick up Chad Ochocinco and take him far away.

23) New York Jets (5-3) – If you ask me now, I’ll probably say that the Jets will win this division. But then I watch this and remember why they won’t.

(Via KSK)

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