Hey friends! It’s that time of the week again. Did you watch Impact? I know I certainly did!
– I’ll be at Smash Wrestling this weekend, because one weekend without going to a wrestling show was apparently unbearable. Chris Hero vs. Watanabe is gonna rule, so if you can, come out and watch them beat the tar out of each other, and maybe say hello and get a high five from yours truly. Or Chris Hero. I’m sure he’d high five you if you asked.
– Like this on Facebook, tweet it, comment, post it on your Livejournal, whatever you gotta do to get more people reading. We like new readers almost as much as we like gifs of athletes getting hit in the junk.
This week on Impact: I just quit smoking. Guess how much this episode made me regret that? Also, BRAM. AHHHHH.
Worst: Everything? No, no, that’s too defeatist. Basically everything?
Oh my goodness. Where do I even begin? I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I try to approach Impact each week with positivity. I’ve learned not to hope for the best, but I know there are good people there, so I at least try not to expect the worst. Samoa Joe’s return last week coupled with the fact that Spud wouldn’t be here this week didn’t bode well for this episode, but I thought hey, naw, it’s fine. It’s fine! It’s so fine that if I keep saying it, it betrays exactly how not fine it is. Joe is mad, of course, because he’s a Samoan Submission Machine fueled only by rage, and not by plugging him into a wall socket in the garage every night like I had imagined. I can understand Samoa Joe’s anger in this context, and for once it makes sense. Joe vouched for MVP, helped usher in the Validation Era, and was one of the first to really help illustrate how MVP is very much not a good guy. But hey Joe, what have you done for us lately?
MVP and his fwiends have been searching high and low for Joe, and found him in the ring being mad as heck. Kenny King moves himself solidly into the “ugh why did you ever make me like you” column by greeting Joe with a line about tough guys acting like whiney broads, and I must admit that when Samoa Joe immediately covered King’s microphone, part of me allowed itself to hope that Joe had been repackaged into “decent human being who takes the correct umbrage at sexist remarks.” But no, he had to take a moment to say that Kenny King should kiss his ass. Good stuff, right? Such a riveting war of words. MVP, with the unnecessary dig at CM Punk, points out that Samoa Joe had his chance already, but he took his ball and went home. As such, he’s in breach of his contract. Lame references aside, he’s correct, and the streak of heels being the only ones to use logic to get heat continues.
Samoa Joe insists that his job is beating people up, and tonight he’ll take on MVP, King, AND Bobby Lashley AT THE SAME TIME (gasp!) because that will somehow even everything out. MVP’s not going to let him do that, because frankly Samoa Joe should have been sent home for wearing the same shirt two tapings in a row, let alone threatening to murderkill his boss, and that brings out Austin Aries. Because of course it does. Aries Isn’t happy either, and to be fair I had to go back and watch his promo again because I think my brain blocked it out as some kind of involuntary defense mechanism. The long and short of it is Austin Aries thinks MVP doesn’t accept challenges where the odds aren’t stacked in his favour (three on one is somehow not in MVP’s favour???), and as Director of Operations, he should make the match happen regardless of Joe’s contract status. MVP does just what I would do (stop that MVP), and instead puts Joe and Aries in a match together. Not only that, the winner gets to keep their full contract status, but the loser has to go home forever.
If you strip away the posturing and demand of aggressive butt kisses, it sounds good. That’s the real core issue here. The idea and intent behind the segment are sound. It’s crazy (or CRAZZY as my phone would autocorrect it to, thanks Impact), but I can’t fault it for making sense. Joe is upset for the right reason, MVP makes salient points about Joe’s anger being pointless because he abandoned them, then makes a sound, deliciously heelish decision in fitting with his character. Austin Aries…well, as I said last week, Austin Aries could be anyone, he’s just a stop-gap solution to propel the story forward via bland exposition, but it works. The delivery is what kills it. It’s what always kills it. I don’t know if somebody wrote this out verbatim, or if they all sat around and were like “yeah, you riff on stupid broads, and then I’ll talk about my butt and spit a lot, and then you’ll wear a sleeveless t-shirt with dress pants and it’ll be baller as f-ck,” but either way that person or persons needs to have their nose rubbed in this segment so they learn what they did was bad.
That or we take shock collars off of every dog (because they’re cruel and shouldn’t be used ever) and instead put all of them on Austin Aries.
Worst, but Best, but AHHHH: BRAM
Guys, I think Brambleberry Pie over here might be a bad friend. Magnus is trying to explain the origin story of TH’WILLOW to him, but oh, Bram doesn’t care. See, Bram only cares about getting Magnus back to where he used to be, the Magnus HE knows. But what Magnus does he know? He claims that he was proud of Magnus when he won the World Heavyweight Championship, but then he got complacent, and that’s why he doesn’t still have it. Dude. Dude. Bramsicles, darling. What Magnus have you been watching? Remember when he was an actual Gladiator? A ladies man? Main Event Mafia was the pinnacle of Neutered POS Magnus, but it’s Cool Magnus that brings you out of the woodwork?
Alternate theory: Bram is, as they call it in THE CAMPS, a “wrestling hipster,” the singular iteration of TNA he watched regularly being Ring Ka King. Only recently did he watch an episode of Impact (for the first time since the Asylum years, obviously), and was like “whoa hey what is this garbage I’ve gotta save my jerkoff colonist friend from himself!” And then he swam to Florida, ergo the beard and the disproportionate arm musculature.
Alternate alternate theory: Forget theories, let’s just scrap all of this and focus our efforts on a new and exciting season of Ring Ka King.
Worstitee Whee: TH’WILLOW
Man, speaking of neutered pieces of shit…