Hey friends! Do you like shows here nothing makes sense, but it’s okay because nothing really matters? That’s a pretty niche interest, but luckily you are gonna love this week. First:
– This weekend is Inspire Pro Wrestling’s Clash at the Bash! Davey Vega vs. Thomas shire in a match I’m pretty sure I willed into existence! Brandon Stroud in a taco-shirt tribute to Dan Barry! Good wrestling, and a beach theme! Everything in this description is magical. Get to it if you can, and if not, watch their shows in full on YouTube and wish you were there.
– Like this report on Facebook, share it on the sharing places, comment, tweet, tumbl, and make sure this gets read by as many people as possible. Even by Gunner. Actually…no. Not by Gunner. Nevermind.
This week on Impact Wrestling: Nothing before this show has ever happened. We swear. Don’t ever question it. Ever.
So. What do you do when your big pay-per-view match is a match that’s already happened? The first Eric Young vs. MVP matchup may have been a schmoz, a way for MVP to “turn” heel for realsies, and not just be a guy that was obviously awful to everyone except those around him, but this one is the real deal, right? How do you make it fresh and exciting, and turn what can be seen for free on YouTube into a Very Big Deal™?
I…don’t think this is it.
If you look at the story that is seemingly being told at glance, it seems pretty simple. MVP fancies himself wrestling’s modern-day Edmond Dantès: also imprisoned in his early life, MVP has found fortune, and returned to wrestling a wealthy man, ingratiating himself into the lives of those he was looking to seek revenge upon. The revenge part doesn’t have a completely obvious in-show target (MVP just doesn’t have enough history with TNA), but Dixie Carter serves nicely as an overall representation of the greed of corporate wrestling, should you like to infer that everything is always (and will always) come back to WWE. If not, then I guess he was just real mad about those jobber squashes years ago, I guess.
Allegories aside, the revenge aspect and what MVP is trying to prove is still muddy. Then that leaves his only motivation as that one part of David Otunga’s theme I always get stuck in my head: it’s all about him, and it’s all about the power. But then what? What happens should MVP become champion?
Then we have Eric Young. Poor mistreated underdog Eric Young. Young uses this segment to talk a lot about respect, and how he’s earned it, and maybe also about his new television show that proves how committed to wrestling he is no wait sorry it’s about fishing nevermind. Has Young really earned it, though?
A lot of what makes Eric Young’s current character is blurring the line of locker room opinions and on-screen happenings. If you know anyone, or even pay attention to non-kayfabe opinions in TNA, Eric Young is genuinely well liked. Everybody seems to love the guy, on-screen differences or not. The problem is that we’re expected to take that piece of reality and accept it as a canonical fact, when really he’s done very little to prove that he’s likeable, let alone friends with every real man wrestler to ever wrestle and be a real man on the show. Bully Ray and his biker friends beat his ankle to mush with that TOTALLY NOT FAKE hammer, but yet there’s no one in the world Bully Ray respects more. Eric Young has been there ten years, so he’s earned it. But so has Bobby Roode, and everyone hated that guy. James Storm and Abyss have been there for longer – why isn’t Eric Young trying to get the belt on either of them as a show of respect? Outside of TNA, Bobby Lashley has been wrestling for ten years, and both Kenny King and MVP having wrestled for twelve. No one is new to this game (the TNA motto, after all). If respect is earned over time, then everyone is kind of on a level playing field, you know?
Worst: Eric Young
The answer to all of this, of course, is that no one on Impact is actually a good guy. Everyone is selfish and rotten. Eric Young pretends to live on a moral high ground that just does not exist in this universe, and we’re supposed to accept that he’s a good guy because he tells us he is, even though he’s never done anything to actually prove it. MVP’s motivations may not be the purest, but he seems to be the only one who’s making any sense at all.
The problem with these kinds of opening, besides the slack delivery and self-congratulatory “cheap plugs,” is that they don’t effectively tackle the biggest problem of long-term sequential storytelling. Every week the audience joins the story in media res. As such, the expectation is that they have to reiterate enough of what has already happened so as to not completely confuse new viewers, but also not over-explain what lead to this week’s episode for people who have been watching up until this point. It’s a delicate balance of characters not explaining what the other characters already know, expository segments explaining why they did just what they did, and fancy video packages that are usually above reproach because that seems to be one of the only things Impact seems to nail on a consistent basis. But if we walked into this show fresh, not having any idea what lead up to it, would Eric Young be that likeable guy? It’s clear that MVP is in a position of power and abusing it, Kenny King is a brash young upstart MVP may have issues with in the future because he just can’t seem to reign him in, and Bobby Lashley is…there. But without knowing how many people on the roster would invite Eric Young to their house for a barbecue, is there anything that truly stands out? Between his real-man posturing, his faulty logic when it comes to how respect is earned, and the utter lack of conviction in his delivery, I don’t think there is.
Going into what they consider to be a major pay per view, that’s a big problem.
Best: Bobby Lashley
No no, hear me out. It’s not actually for anything he does, it’s for what he doesn’t do. I mean, I’m certainly not going to give him a best for his wrestling, my goodness. No, the best lies in his inaction. By not attempting to speak pretty much ever again, Bobby Lashley comes out of this looking the best. Kenny King looks immature and inexperienced; someone who is certain to be undone by his rash decisions and lack of self-control. MVP, while remaining the person who applies to most logic to everything, is still a total shitheel. Eric Young, see above. Bobby Lashley, as I said, is just there.
Thanks to Eric Young, we’ve established that he’s a respectable wrestler who has served his country and has a family. He’s just in it with MVP to get a fair shake. That’s an untouchable amount of character depth for someone who rates in the negative on a measurable scale of on-screen charisma. It also adds more to MVP’s group dynamic than “black guys.” It allows room for their future implosion, should that be the route Impact chooses to take. It also adds enough nuance to each non-MVP member that either King or Lashley could reasonably be split off from the group when everyone joins together and rises up against MVP for the good of the company or whatever.
If he keeps this up, and never picks up a microphone (please never pick up a microphone), he could come out spotless in all of this.
Say what you want (and I will) about what is happening with Willow, but TONIGHT OUR PATIENCE IS ON VACATION is one of the most gloriously ludicrous sentences in the history of wrestling.
Worst: You save more if you buy in bulk
Situations this phrase applies to: off-brand cereal, former WWE wrestlers, matching tank tops. If rampant stereotypes are correct, by this time next week the lockeroom is gonna be full of a dozen different colours of tank top, guys you’ve only seen squashed on NXT, and Honey-Nut Scooters.
Anyways, we all know that there is but one acceptable use of matching tank tops, it already happened, and it was fabulous:
Double Worst: When looking through my folders of old Impact pictures, I found this and it damn near broke my heart
Worst: But no seriously, AHHH BRAM AHHH
Magnus isn’t gonna be what anyone else tells him to be, except I guess this guy who just swam across an ocean to…tell him how to be. Bram really gets off on that, huh? He spends all this time systematically destroying Cool Magnus (RIP, forever in our hearts https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mM0-ZU8njdo), only to move onto Jeff Hardy. Jeff Hardy has to have an alter ego to be feared, but he’s not really a monster. Magnus and his fwiend are the monsters and they’ve got the matchy-matchy wardrobe to prove it! BRAM CAN YELL. HE’S SO LOUD. LOOK AT HIM YELL HE MUST MEAN BUSINESS. HE DOESN’T NEED A MASK TO YELL AND YELLING DEFINES HIS MASCULINITY OKAY. WILLOW IS JUST JEFF HARDY GUYS DID YOU KNOW IT’S JUST JEFF HARDY IT’S JUST JEFF HARDY AND THOSE CARS AREN’T EVEN REALLY HIS THEY’RE JUST RENTALS. AHHH. AHHHHHHHH.
Guys, I fear Bram might be an asshole.
Worst: Masque of the Red Death (of My Interest)
This immediately goes from “who the f-ck cares about what this knob end who just showed up out of nowhere thinks” to “all will be forgiven if you tell Abyss that he’s not a big scary dude with multiple personalities he’s just a mild-mannered lawyer” (because seriously just come back to me Joseph Park. I miss you every day).
To their credit, this at least gives some amount of logic to this feud. Bram-anyone makes no sense, but Abyss was lied to. Magnus was mean to him and hugged him and then it turned out that those hugs were a sham. His friendship-based-wrestling-friendship was built on a foundation of lies. And I act cool and say I’m over it but I am so not.
Worst: Gunner. Always Gunner.
Huh. Turns out all Ted Bundy needed was a hot cuppa joe.
Or to be more specific, EC3 and the band-aid that launched a thousand hurt/comfort fanfics.
And now Brandon because WHOA I BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING ISN’T THAT CRAZZY THIS IS MADNESS
Worst: This Segment Brought To You By EMBARRASSING FOR EVERYBODY
1. Hey, you know what would’ve made Sin Cara’s shitty moodlighting better? Having his entrance music play at a low volume for the entire match. This is the limitlessness of TNA’s insanity: somebody said “combine Sin Cara and New Jack” and The Odditities Again is what they came up with.
2. Literally none of this is important, as the only things you need to know are Crazy Steve tried to stop a DJ from derisively playing a hype horn at him by standing on the turnbuckle and pointing, and that Crazy Steve ended the match by putting some balloons up Robbie E’s ass.
3. So, uh, Robbie E has an imaginary friend.
The imaginary friend is named Michael and is BALLOONS UP HIS ASS. Can you make letters MORE capital? At one point during Robbie’s “run away from something up my ass and swat at it so it stays behind me” Benny Hill’s corpse homage, he yells out THIS IS EMBARRASSING, and yeah, that’s not Robbie E talking, that’s the man playing him. Robbie E seriously turned up for work on the day of this show and they said “we’re gonna put some balloons up your ass and you’ve gotta be afraid of them,” and he was like SURE, GREAT IDEA.
At some point you’ve got to say “no sir, I would not like the joke to be that I have balloons up my ass.”
4. The best part of the match is how like, 15 people in the crowd are clapping and everyone else is dead silent. Part of that could be Impact’s bright idea to have multiple guys on stilts standing around ringside, because valets and photographers aren’t enough things in your way.
5. The Menagerie story should end with Rebel blowing out a candle and none of them ever being seen again.