Hello, Impactees! Who’s excited for another week of Dixie Carter pretends to understand human emotion? I know I….am certainly here writing this column about it!
-It’s been a super fun week over at The Mandible Claw. Frank (definitely not Francis) joined Robert Newsome and I to talk Wrestling is Awesome, Wrestling is Art, and threaten to smack the mustache off of Robert’s face. Spoiler alert: Robert does not have one. After this report goes up I’ll be posting the Wrestling is Awesome Minicast with Green Ant (!!!). Next week will see the Worst Podcast Ever™ with Brandon, and my new Favourite Podcast Ever™ with the Estonian Thunder Frog. Needless to say, my heart is so full right now.
-This is usually where I plug a Kickstarter or Issue 6 of the Atomic Elbow (available right now at this place right here!), but instead I just want to say hey, you, person who doesn’t watch independent wrestling: Do it. Try out an mp4. Go to a show. Don’t be intimidated by the sheer scope of it. Jump right it. You’ll love it forever, and it’ll love you right back.
-Speaking of, I’ll be at the Wrestling Is Awesome shows in Maine and New Hampshire on August 3rd and 4th. Come hang out, say hello, see some great wrestling, and watch me swan over Jervis Cottonbelly in person. You know you want to witness that.
-If you do go to a show, buy an mp4 or DVD, or watch any kind of indie wrestling this weekend, tweet me here. I wanna hear about it! You can also follow me for max lulz, more otter videos, and swoony tweets about froggy thundergods. Follow With Leather here, cuz Burnsy and Brandon are awesome, and of course UPROXX, without whom I could not make fun of Magnus on a weekly basis.
This week on Impact: Joseph Park, Eric Young, and an iPad. I don’t know why I would have to say more.
Worst: DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DOOOOOOOOOOO
Sometimes it’s a struggle to calmly and carefully dissect something and explain to the fullest extent possible why it is a flaming pile of Worst. Sometimes I just want to type I HATE THIS PLEASE STOP STOP IT NO REALLY PLEASE over and over and over. Everytime I hear the bonus dungeon level music of the Main Event Mafia I seriously question if this is the week it becomes too much and I have to say no, it is too bad, I cannot make boner jokes about this.
This week we’re told that the Main Event Mafia got to see the fruits of their labour in that a new champion has been crowned. Yes. Really. Taking complete credit for Chris Sabin winning the X-Division title, cashing it in, and “overcoming the odds.”
Sting takes to the mic (always a questionable decision at best these days) to say that seeing Chris Sabin win the title was the best night he’s ever had in pro-wrestling (seriously questionable). Great Muta? Naw. Multiple world titles? Nope. A bitchin’ helicopter ride to Vader’s White Castle of Fear? Not even ranked, apparently. But good for you for putting Sabin over in the same breath you buried his entire efforts, and f*ck you for making me say “over” and “bury” in the same sentence.
Everything about this just rubs me the wrong way, which is never a good way to start the show. From Magnus derpin’ and clappin’ in the background, to Chris Sabin pretending that he totally didn’t cheat to win, and this isn’t a hollow victory. And then “decreeing” that he will face the winner of the Ultimate X match, because no one gives a flying f*ck that there’s a general manager there to manage, generally, and make matches, not just let wrestlers do whatever the hell they want. Which….they do, but still. At least pretend to try. Sabin’s a small dude with a big heart or whatever they said about Martin St. Louis every single game of the 2004 Stanley Cup playoffs, but objectively, this is absolutely not making me get behind the twerpiest-looking dude in the company with a busted knee and even more busted personality.
I hate this. Please. Stop. Stop it. No, really. Please.
Best: And YOU get a lawsuit! And YOU get a lawsuit!
Who would have thought “another lawyer but one who looks like Kevin Nash without the shitty attitude/life decisions” would be the saving grace of this opening segment? It’s a harbinger of stupidity for sure, but he makes perfectly valid points AND he’s not yelling at me. +Park to you, sir.
Worst: No really, this is the worst
I took to shoptna.com to make sure I was correct in the fact that there is already a Rampage Jackson shirt, yet Joe Park still doesn’t have one, when I found this:
I don’t usually directly touch on any of the crummy things that happen off the air, but….jeeeeez.
TNA, you’re The Worst™.