Wrestlemania season isn’t over yet! There’s one more New Orleans WWE show to go!
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Okay, on we go…
Worst: More Like Measuring Dick, Amirite?
Apparently WWE was afraid its audience wouldn’t know what to think about the past week of programming unless it was filtered through the perspective of one Mr. John Cena, so they had him come out on Smackdown and do a painfully thorough rundown of everything that happened on Wrestlemania and Raw.
Cena talked about the Undertaker’s streak and the Attitude era coming to a definitive end and the ascent of Daniel Bryan. He talked about the rise of Cesaro, The Shield and the upcoming debuts of Bo Dallas and Adam Rose and how the WWE is on the cusp of a new era, then concluded by saying none of it mattered unless they go through him because he’s THE MEASURING STICK JOHN CENA, JACK.
Well John, if you’re the measuring stick I guess most of the locker room can breathe easy. Half the guys wrestle better than you. Most of them are more interesting. Even if we’re strictly kayfabing this, what has John Cena the character done lately? Compete in a lousy mid-card match on Wrestlemania? Take two years to beat The Rock? Measuring stick — f–k you.
Worst: Oh No! Bray Wyatt Is Going To Drive John Cena To Do Something Extreme At Extreme Rules!
And here it is, everything wrong with Bray Wyatt in a nutshell — a boundary pushing character trapped in a promotion that’s simultaneously a) strictly PG and b) obsessed with empty faux edginess.
Bray is trying to push Cena over the edge, but Cena can’t actually go over the edge, so instead the guy who’s made a career out of throwing guys through ambulance roofs is suddenly afraid to use a chair. The result is a battle of wills over whether John Cena will sell his soul and stoop to the use of, gasp, foreign objects at XTREME RULES THE SUPER RAD SHOW WHERE THE ONLY RULE IS THERE IS NO RULES. Spoiler alert — yes, John Cena will use a weapon at Extreme Rules, and no, it won’t matter because he’s John Cena.
Worst: What Am I Supposed To Think About This Cesaro Stuff?
What is going on with Cesaro? They build him up as a good guy for months, finally have him break from Zeb, give him a career-making Wrestlemania moment and then team him with Paul Heyman? The guy who just engineered the end of The Undertaker’s streak? The most hated guy in the company? This is the equivalent of Darth Vader finally dumping the Emperor so he can join up with, I dunno, Space Hitler or something.
It would be one thing if Cesaro was now a definitive heel, but he isn’t. He wrestled most of his match with Big Show on defense like a babyface, then teased going for the GIANT GIANT SWING before being attacked from behind by dastardly heel Jack Swagger. Can’t Cesaro just be a cool guy who beats people up in amazing ways with his super muscles? Speaking of which…
Best: Okay, I Know What To Think About This
How is this even possible? Big Show is like, three times the size of Cesaro, and he’s not made of pillow fluff — dude’s 500 pounds of solid cheeseburgers. We’re in “ant carrying an entire potato chip” territory here. Somebody check if Cesaro has an exoskeleton.
Best: Rybaxel Don’t Always Have To Look Like Clowns?
I’m no great fan of either Ryback or Curtis Axel, but there’s some value in not making these guys look like assholes ever week. There should be some basic underlying logic determining who wins and loses aside from, “Who does Vince like this week?” Goldberg plus 30 pounds of muscle should probably win most of his matches. The technically gifted son of Mr. Perfect should probably win most of his matches. That way when the Usos or whoever beats them, it means something. When Ryback and Curtis Axel fight the stupid comedy matadors I should expect them to win (as they did on Smackdown) because this is supposed to be real. If you’re looking for somebody to lose like clowns, I believe R-Truth and Xavier Woods are still a part of the roster.