– Drop a comment on the report and let me know what you thought of the show! Or what you thought about what I thought about the show, or whatever. We appreciate having you around, and your patronage is appreciated in non-badge situations. Also, seriously, click that like button. If you don’t I’m gonna stretch the next 5-page report into a 50 page slideshow.
– And hey, don’t forget to check out our Extreme Rules Open Discussion Thread for like 1,800 additional jokes.
– Continued thanks to Casey/THESTINGER for helping me out with gifs and pictures. Be sure to visit his gifs Tumblr for the stuff I didn’t use. He is the best.
Please to enjoy the Best and Worst Of WWE Extreme Rules. Viewer EXTREMENESS~ is advised.
Best In Show: The Biggest +Rhodes Ever Awarded
Aside from the whole “my favorite wrestler having a 20-minute match of the year candidate” thing, this was my favorite part of the show. I love you for doing this, and you are now my shoot best friend.
Best: YouTube Pre-Shows
I mentioned it in last week’s Best And Worst Of Raw report, but on the list of things pro wrestling should borrow from UFC, “pre-show fights for free on YouTube” is at the top of the list. “Threat-kissing during staredowns” and “Davey Richards” are at the bottom.
It’s just good business. You’ve got a live event happening and you’ve got a pre-show set up anyway, so why not give it a loose purpose and broadcast it on a site you want your fans to visit? It gives two (or more) wrestlers a chance to be on the show, it gives you an extra, not-necessarily-important time slot for something like a United States Championship match and it reminds cheaper wrestling fans that tentpole wrestling is about to happen and they should consider buying it. It beats the hell out of Justin Roberts or whoever yelling YOU DON’T WANNA MISS EXTREME RULES over video packages for half an hour.
Worst: If You’ve Got 30 Minutes Of Pre-Show, You Can Have More Than 4 Minutes Of Wrestling
Unfortunately most of the pre-show was YOU DON’T WANNA MISS EXTREME RULES over video packages.
Miz versus Santino wasn’t ever going to be a barnburner, but if you’ve got half an hour to convince people that the wrestling is gonna be SUPER GREAT and they should pay for it, why are you selling it with four-ish minutes of Miz duckflopping around while Santino pretends to jab him with a snake sleeve? The old Sunday Night Heat method was Rock promos and 15 minutes of TAKA Michinoku and the pre-vampire, post-daisy pants Hardy Boyz jumping at each other and falling off the top rope.
And if you only want the Santino match to go four minutes, why not move some of the unimportant pay-per-view stuff like Brodus Clay versus Dolph Ziggler and the Ryback handicap match to the pre-show? We only need so many pee breaks per three hours and it’d allow you to make a 23-minute Daniel Bryan/Sheamus match a flat 30. The way you have it set up now is just gonna make people go “lol Ryback is on this show?” when they pick up the DVD at Buyback$ five years from now.
Worst: So Hey Miz, You Gonna Say F**k It And Go Sell eBay With Your Amazing Girlfriend Or What
I don’t want to keep making duck jokes about the guy, but this f**ker’s goose is cooked.
I’d like to believe WWE Creative has a ‘The Wire’-esque bulletin board with Miz at the top with a “PLANS” index card under him, and right under that is a card that says “lose really sadly to the Rock” and then 40-50 cards under that that all read “complain about how worthless he is”. The post Hell In A Cell PPV Miz has got to be the saddest and least enjoyable to watch character in modern WWE history, partially because of how static his act is and partially because it’s like watching your f**king grandfather get Alzheimer’s. He used to be a thing, but now he just lies there looking out of the window, mumbling about how he’s the most must-see something something.
I don’t know how wrestling works in real life, so maybe Miz is fine and just wanted to spend a year or two losing in a few minutes to a cloth-poke because he’s sick of getting concussions and going on Conan. Maybe he’ll get back the spark soon and improve upon what he already worked so hard to improve upon. Maybe he should start thinking of an exit strategy and thank Christ that his supermodel French girlfriend got sh*tcanned and shipped off to his parents’ house in Parma before he did so he didn’t have to do a Morrison/Melina, Lawler/Stacy thing.
Best: Jill Thompson’s Signs
According to her Twitter she was sitting beside the camera and had no hope of getting her signs on screen, but Jill Thompson (who you may know from her work on comics like Sandman, Scary Godmother and motherf**king Swamp Thing … or as the person responsible for Daniel Bryan’s awesome ring gear) does some fantastic posterboard work that deserves to be showcased:
Best: The Other Best Sign Of The Night
By way of @LyricalThreat:
Batman would hate Cena, wouldn’t he? He’d also have a plan for beating Cena ready to go in the Bat-computer, which hopefully reads “move out of the way of the jumping shoulderblocks … if shoulderblock connects, don’t just get up and throw wild punches … do not lie on the ground and let him dance punch you … if dance punching connects, don’t stand up and walk toward him with your hand over your face”.
The lesson here is that you should never be afraid to put a little effort into your signs, because they are a true niche artform and the wrestlers deserve something better than “RVD” and a yin yang in thin-ass green on yellow.