The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 5/2: Happy Dead Osama Bin Laden Day

I didn’t do a Best and Worst of Extreme Rules, partially because I spent my Sunday with my parents and an old friend watching the Lynchburg Hillcats playing a loose definition of Minor League Baseball, and partially because I am pretty tired of being Extreme. Maybe it’s the fact that I spend about an hour and a half watching World of Sport on YouTube every day. Maybe it’s the fact that WWE’s definition of “extreme” means “doing things off the top rope.” Maybe I don’t want to see Michael Cole in a “country whipping” anything.

Regardless, it sounded like a pretty good show, and I’m happy that former NWA Heavyweight Champion Christian Cage has finally won a belt that means something. He follows in the footsteps of such legends as Jack Swagger, Sheamus and about 20 seconds of Dolph Ziggler. I SHOULD’VE done a Best and Worst of Extreme Rules, though, because little did I know we’d kill Osama Bin Laden RIGHT before The Rock’s birthday party and Raw would end up a terrifying nexus hoping to plunge me into madness.

Jim Ross was unironically quoting Smackdown vs. Raw 2011 commentary verbatim. This is not going to be good.

[images -> MGFanJay @ DVDR]

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Worst: Happy Birthday, Jerk

I guess when he was negotiating his return, the Rock said “okay, I want a ton of money, but also a birthday party, and some cake.” He also wanted to devote 45 minutes to introducing himself, with about twelve of that taken up by standing and staring and walking. I’ve drawn some ire for my opinions on The Rock in the past, so I want to make it clear that none of this has to do with his wrestling ability — it has everything to do with the fact that I watched a 39-year old man jerk himself off for two hours and nineteen minutes of overrun.

The last time Rock had a birthday party on Raw, it was “This Is Your Life,” with Mick Foley being charming and a fat lady clown being inefficient, and it ended up as the highest rated segment in the history of television. And it wasn’t even The Rock’s birthday. I guess that sort of explains how things have changed. Back then, the joke was in character. Mankind wanted Rock to like him, but he was a f**k-up, and the Rock was kind of cold-hearted. Somehow the dynamic meshed, because they’d taken some time to establish it, and even though it had less to do with wrestling than a TNA pay-per-view, it was fun, and we remember it.

Last night was actor Dwayne Johnson in his The Rock Halloween costume, standing in the middle of the ring while people screamed THIS IS THE ROCK’S BIRTHDAY PARTY IT IS THE BEST THING IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION, ALL WWE SUPERSTARS WISH THE ROCK HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WE ARE ALL THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL TO HIM

Nothing was happening, and we were just watching a guy be happy for himself. Okay, great, I’m glad the football star who got everything he wanted because he was related to the right people and got into movies because he was handsome finally gets to be happy for himself. Can we have a 40 minute birthday party for Drew McIntyre? He’s gotten really good.

Worst: Celebrities Know The Rock’s Catchphrases And Are Willing To Prove It

The commercial bumpers really showed how stereotypical Hollywood can be. I feel sort of sad that The Rock doesn’t have any real friends, he just has people who have heard of him and got an index card listing his signature sayings before their 60 seconds of networking. Hey, everybody, this is Betty White! I was a thing last year! I just wanted to say Happy Birthday to the Rock, and that I know what the Rock is cookin! /moves eyebrows

They didn’t even get it right, most of the time. LeBron James is all “do you know what the rock is cookin.” It’s like my Dad trying to remember what Baron Von Raschke used to say (he made a “mishtook,” Dad). It’s like when Anne Shelburne called me “Steven” in the 11th grade. I liked that she was talking to me, but Jesus, I’ve been in classes with you for the last five years. I guess Paul Walker likes you, Rock, but how much can Paul Walker like anything?

Worst: “Happy Birthday, Jerk”

The Happy Birthday messages started to get really sad there near the end, when it was clear that they ran out of celebrities after Steve Carrell and the Miami Heat, and just filmed messages from all the talk show hosts who don’t want to lose their jobs. Am I to believe that The Rock is close friends with George Lopez, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson, Regis and Kelly, AND Ellen? Or am I to believe that those people want to have Rocky’s smiling asshole on their show when Fast Six gets filmed?

This isn’t really turning out to be a funny Best and Worst, because I just couldn’t understand what was happening. I’d blink my eyes, and there would be Adam Carolla or whoever, poking up his eyebrow with his finger to be all cute, caterwauling about how he hears what the Rock is cooking.

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It kinda looks like he's MAKING deuces.

Best: R-Truth is Deuces

I don’t know what “Deuces” means (I know it means “twos” and “poops,” but I think it’s supposed to mean something exclamatory as well), but R-Truth has been them lately. There’s a downside to the first wrestling match ending in zero seconds because of a pre-match attack, but Truth is justified here: he’s lost a connection with his friends and fans, and is so unbelievably pissed off because he’s SURE he’s in the right, and nobody will understand it. They just keep booing him and cheering what, and it’s driving him mad. I like that. I also like it when somebody shows up out of nowhere and murders John Morrison, especially when that goes on for more than several minutes.

And look at his face. R-Truth’s face is awesome. JR’s understated “R-Truth looks possessed!” was amazing, as were his desperate attempts to get the Paydirt over as a violent move. People shat on Paul Burchill’s C4 because the guy holding him had to back flip to make the move work, but Truth doesn’t hook a leg or anything, he just holds them there and jumps to the side, and the guy collapses onto his face helplessly as if guided by supernatural forces. And then sometimes they forget that it was supposed to hurt, as in the case of…

Worst: John Morrison Forgets How Necks Work

Morrison had me for a moment. He was lying on the ground with his arm python’d around his neck, trying to get up without the help of the trainers, EMTs, referees down. I was buying that Truth’s attack had severely hurt his neck, and the screaming kids in the first few rows agreed with me. Then, as if he was giving me the middle finger through my television set, Morrison flipped his hair back to get it out of his face, using only his neck. I felt like the manager from Slap Shot when this happened. “WHAT’RE YA DOOOOIN’?!”

So, to recap, here is a list of things John Morrison doesn’t understand:

1. How friends work
2. How girlfriends work
3. How pro wrestling works
4. How to speak without sounding like a fat 11-year old
5. How necks work

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Worst: Oh Lord, Here Comes Comedy

oh lord, here it comes

I applaud the Rock’s ability to act somewhat natural (or at least act like The Rock) during wacky backstage segments. It’s what made his interaction with The Hurricane, and to a lesser extent Rosey, so memorable. So when he was approached by Vladimir Kozlov and humored him for a few seconds before asking him if he was crazy, I enjoyed it. Then, Santino showed up in costume that the Rock had to clarify for those of us at home, and I knew I was on a Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride toward a Toad Hall-sized facepalm. Hornswoggle showed up as the Scorpion King and The Great Khali showed up as the Tooth Fairy, and a fun time was had by all (no one).

They should’ve taken the joke to its logical conclusion and brought in Orlando Jordan as The Rock from Be Cool, and then had everybody confusingly jump cut for four hours to homage Southland Tales.

Worst: Hey Rock, I Don’t Want To Go To Your Square Middle School Party

The Rock is a huge movie star and a legendary WWE Champion who is fairly open about the measurements of his dong and the frequency with which he wolfs pussy. So why does The Rock’s birthday party look like something from the beginning of a “Full House” episode? You know, they go to a party and Stephanie (or whoever) is nervous about talking to boys, and then Uncle Jesse (or whoever) sings a Beach Boys song (or whatever) and dances all stupid, and everybody lightens up and starts TV dancing together? The boys and the girls were on opposite sides of the room, and poor Daniel Bryan spent more time talking to Evan Bourne than Gail Kim. Although that might be Evan Bourne’s fault.

I half expected to see Yoshi Tatsu playing Pin the Tail On The Racist Donkey off in the background somewhere.

Best: KAITLYN SIGHTING

Hey, you beautiful little muscley thing, where have you been? I’ve missed you.

Worst: Nation of Do What Now

The Rock and Ron Simmons should not be standing next to each other peacefully, much less in a situation where Rock is using Simmons as a comedy capper. Simmons needs to don the blue gladiator helmet and start Dominating folks, or somebody needed to invite D’Lo Brown and the Godfather to the party and make the reunion official.

Of course, The Rock’s miliant black background has been washed away in that storm that took Triple H vs. Undertaker at Wrestlemania 17 and the explanation of who raised the briefcase on Stone Cold Steve Austin. (editor’s note: It was the Big Bossman, know your history).

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