… somebody just told me it’s Tuesday afternoon, so that means we’re live on With Leather for the Best and Worst of Monday Night Raw! Unfortunately we still have to decide who will win Tough Enough, so let’s just sort of stand here ad-libbing and looking at them for several minutes. Your name’s Luke, right? Like in the Bible? Good ol’ BIBLE LUKE, ladies and gemen! Do you have what it takes to be a WWE Superstar? Yeah, you KNOW you’re the best! Each and every one of them have never seen someone like you, you know you’re going straight to the top. Sorry! You lost. We’re giving it to the guy with long hair.
His hair is long, Luke, what was I supposed to do?
R.I.P. Good Ol’ Bible Luke, 2011-2011
Worst: Congratulations on Winning That WWE Game Show, Andy
The announcers made sure to say what a bright future Tough Enough winner Andy “the Slack-Jawed Yokel” Levine will have in WWE, and they made sure to repeat it a few times. That’s all well and good, except for the fact that WWE runs a WHO WILL BE THE NEXT SUPERSTAR contest almost constantly, and the last two winners (Kaval and Johnny Curtis, respectively) are slumming it against Kevin Steen at your local armory or commandingly pouring milk on themselves on Smackdown (respectively).
Also, I know I only spent a short time in wrestling school and maybe this is a “European style” thing I’m just not trained in, but I’m interested in Andy’s choice to take a flat back bump on a bitch slap, lying on the ground for what felt like five minutes, only to roll out of the ring and stammer around looking for beers and handshakes to sell a Stone Cold Stunner. Nobody wanted to sell the Stunner tonight. Andy, Miz and Michael Cole all got Stunners and all popped up from them. And I mean yeah, basically all he’s doing is making you bend over at the waist, doing a neckbreaker that takes all of the neck breaking properties out of a neckbreaker, and you could just stand up and kick him in the back instead of flopping around and dying, but PRECEDENT, PEOPLE.
And you know, now that I mentioned “precedent,” I wonder what would happen if the PRECEDENT OF THE UNITED STATES were to hold a PRESS CONFERENCE about UPCOMING PAY-PER-VIEW.
Best: R-Truth Makes Audience Boo the Union Point of View
I love R-Truth, all of a sudden. I’m enjoying him more than I’ve enjoyed someone since Santino was a genderphobic guido dating out of his league, or at least the heyday of The Dirt Sheet. I guess if you read these columns, you knew the second he marched out onto the stage dressed as a Confederate Soldier, improperly singing a war hymn about Little Jimmy, that he was going to be a “best” here. How can you deny him? He’s doing something nobody else is doing, and doing it well enough to be in the ring with Vince McMahon and Stone Cold Steve Austin and not look out of place. And he called Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee “inbred rednecks” and got a crowd in 2011 to inadvertently cheer for guys who would rather leave the country than stop owning black people. I’m sorry, he got them to boo for “states rights.”
Truth makes every segment he’s in better. He temporarily made the Barack Obama press conference gag hilarious (“LITTLE JIMMY GOT A BOAT, I DON’T GOT A BOAT, AND YOU’D PROBABLY TRY TO PUSH ME OUT THE BOAT!”) in spite of Jerry Lawler’s awful, scripted politics (I mean seriously, jesus christ at “imagine if President Obama told the truth for once”). Even the backstage WRESTLING IS COMING UP NEXT pantomime segment was great, with Miz doing this tortuous bug-eyes thing, trying to talk some wordy sense into a guy who might come to the ring dressed as a giant banana.
Worst: And Speaking of the Confederacy
…it was pretty hilarious to see Cena’s stars and bars t-shirt on display right there next to a black guy dressed like a Confederate.
John Cena loves to talk, and he can do it quickly. I read a great point earlier today that Cena was the “writer’s voice” in the segment. The other characters got to wander out and do their thing, and it all felt organic, and then Cena had to jort down to the ring and explain the “point” of everything. I think that’s the major problem people have with Cena, they just can’t articulate it. It’s not that he “can’t wrestle,” because he can. It’s not that he wears bright shirts or the jeaniest of the jean shorts, its that he’s somehow allowed to be both narrator and protagonist. He’s Nick Carraway AND Jay Gatsby. That’s why it doesn’t work. If Raw is the West Egg, Cena can be the Gatsby, but he’s got to let Zack Ryder narrate.
“In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice, bro.”