The Guinness Book of World Records is promoting the hell out of its upcoming 2012 edition, and rightfully so. Over the past year, people from around the world have gone to ridiculous lengths to achieve immortality, despite the fact that no matter what they do someone will just do it better next year. Either way, people are desperate to achieve fame so they’ll do whatever they can, even if it means sleeping with a Kardashian.
Included in this year’s batch are records like the World’s Largest Cow (sadly not related to the World’s Largest Mom), most balloons inflated by nose, most balloons popped by a dog (unrelated), the longest cucumber, most Twitter followers (to Lady
Attention Gaga up there) and the largest collection of Dr. Who Daleks. You know that guy gets some serious action, too.
But there were too many to show proper respect to today so I picked just a few to shine the spotlight on, mainly because I need all the time I can get for setting the world record for staring at Scarlett Johansson’s leaked cell phone pics. Wish me luck!
The World’s Largest Navajo Taco
The fine people of Gallup, New Mexico may not make this year’s Guinness Book, since their efforts came a little late, but they’ve undoubtedly set a world record, since nobody had ever attempted such a specific effort before. They created the world’s largest Navajo taco, using 65-lbs. of ground beef, 65-lbs. of beans, 50-lbs. of lettuce, 90-lbs. of cheese, 30-lbs. of green chile, and 150 pieces of fry bread.
In future news, the residents of Gallup will soon set the world record for most people blaming the dog.
The World’s Longest Nails
A Las Vegas entertainer, known professionally as The Dutchess (sic), Chris Walton (born and still a girl, just for the sake of clarity) has been growing her nails uncut since she was 18. Now 45, the mother of 6 and grandmother of 3 is the proud record holder of the world’s longest nails.
“It’s kind of like a body part that I was born with, now I don’t know what I would do without them,” the 45-year-old said.
“I’m pretty sure one day I will cut them, but I can’t see it in my head because I’m so used to having them.
“It’s like a leg, I wouldn’t just chop it off so it’s gonna take some thinking.”
Walton’s booger removers measure at 20-feet per hand, but it’s worth pointing out that she only achieved this new fame because of the previous record holder’s tragedy. Lee Redmond, the former record holder for longest nails, lost her 28-feet back scratchers in a car accident 2 years ago. I’m just going to assume the accident occurred because she tried driving.
The World’s Largest Chocolate Bar
12,000 pounds of chocolate. No, that’s not the name of Albert Haynesworth’s biography. It’s actually the size of the world’s largest chocolate bar, made by Chicago’s World’s Finest Chocolate for the sole purpose of – hold on to your monocles – teaching children about nutrition.
Eddie Opler, CEO of World’s Finest Chocolate, said: “We purposely made this bar to be an example of “portion distortion.’”
He added: “We’re committed to educating families about eating right and staying active and doing it in a fun and engaging way.”
The candy bar will be showcased at schools throughout the U.S. as part of the “Thing Big, Eat Smart” tour and I can only imagine that the method of using this thing to make kids not want to overeat will be to sit them all in front of it and electrocute the bejesus out of them. And as I sit here eating Skittles out of a football candy dispenser on my desk, I say go for it.
The World’s Largest Natural Afro
Aevin Douglas is a 36-year old social worker from New Orleans, and sure, she makes a living helping people and making her community a better place, but forget all that nonsense. We like her because she has the world’s largest natural afro. Alas, all is not well in gigantic afro land.
“It’s always getting caught in trees, and one time I even slammed my hair in the car door! And I hate it when people touch it without asking my permission first!”
I’m sorry, I’m completely distracted by something and can’t possibly get through this without doing something…
The World’s Fastest Wedding Chapel
Are you constantly strapped for time, yet find yourself wondering, “When am I going to stop running around and finally settle down with a good woman?” Well worry no more, friends, because Rev. Darrell Best has just what you need for a marriage on the go. A few years ago, Best converted his 1940s truck into a wedding chapel that can travel as fast as 62 mph. Honk if you hate your bride’s family!
And since then Rev. Best who has married over 40 couples in the vehicle — dubbed ‘The Best Man’ — which today became world’s fastest wedding chapel… not that it had much competition.
That may be true, but that’s only because Ed Begley’s Temple Beth Prius doesn’t exceed 12 mph.
Most Dogs Skipping Rope
Uchida Geinousha was just your typical girl, operating her Super Wan Wan Circus in Tsukuba City, Japan, when she had a vision – dogs jumping rope. It started with one dog, then two, and one day she even had three dogs skipping rope. But she always wanted more. Call it greed or call it ambition, but Uchida eventually became so good at convincing
terrified dogs to jump over a piece of rope that she eventually had 13 of the little buggers doing it.
Boom – world record.
The main dog handler at the circus said: “It actually started by accident one day when Mayonnaise, an incredibly curious poodle, started to try and skip with us.
“She clearly really enjoyed it and we decided to get the other dogs involved. It’s become part of their playtime.”
Someone somewhere is calling this abuse, I’m sure, but that person can suck it, because even the thought of 13 dogs jumping rope makes me smile.