Survivor (CBS) — (Season premiere) I watch two reality shows: “Survivor” and “Top Chef.” Every year, I think that I’ll finally lose interest in “Survivor,” and every year, I continue to watch. The gimmicks are the worst — and this year, the two tribes are separated into male and female tribes and will live together on the same beach — and practically every iteration of the game has been played half a dozen times. But I’ll keep watching. I can’t help myself. There’s a dwarf on this season, how can I not?
The Middle/Suburgatory/Modern Family/Happy Endings (ABC) — Tonight’s episode of “Happy Endings,” which will center on Max’s relationship with Grant, was directed by Kyle Newacheck, creator and star of “Workaholics.” He also directed an episode of “Community.” That’s the kind of hard-hitting information you won’t find on other TV blogs.
Only in American with Larry the Cable Guy (History) — Fun Fact: “Whitney” is also on Wednesday nights, Whitney Houston died last Saturday, and Larry the Cable Guy’s real name is Daniel Whitney. Did I just blow your mind? No? OK, here’s Larry the Cable Guy’s real voice, maybe that’ll do the trick.
Top Chef (Bravo) — (SPOILER) They eliminated Ed last week. There’s no point in watching anymore. He may have been the best contestant in the show’s history, and he was eliminated by freakin’ Pee Wee Herman.
Oprah’s Oscar Special (OWN) — I know that Oprah has her own network now, but I couldn’t even tell you if I had that station. Has anyone stumbled upon it? What else does it show besides Oprah’s talk show? Drew Carey reruns?
LATE NIGHT GUESTS — JON STEWART IS ON LETTERMAN. JON STEWART IS ON LETTERMAN. JON STEWART IS ON LETTERMAN. Ahem. It’s funny; the only time you ever see Stewart suck up to anyone, it’s on Dave. It’s kind of cute. Leno counters with Bill Maher (ha!), Kimmel has Miley Cyrus, Ferguson hosts Jon Cryer, and Carson Daly has Deadmau5. I have no idea who Deadmau5 is. Can’t wait.