If “Game of Thrones” changed its name to “Game of Penis,” would anyone notice? It’s that manipulative male organ that drove most of the plots in last night’s episode, from Arya pretending to have one to blend in with a crew of outlaws, to Stannis sticking his in a witchy woman to solidify his power, to a pirate agreeing to help Davos as long as he “gets” Queen Cersei when the Lannisters fall, to Littlefinger and his double peephole voyeurism, to…I’m not going to talk about Theon and sister Yara yet because EWWWWWW. Anyway, the cast grew even larger in “The Night Lands” (the Iron Islands are just as charming as their name), and a small part of me is terrified that the show’s going to collapse like a horse in the Red Waste under the weight of approximately 684 different stories. But the other, louder part is confident that D.B. Weiss and David Benioff, not to mention George R.R. Martin and the ever-impressive cast, are talented enough that I have nothing to worry about.
- I think one of the reasons why everyone loves Arya is because she’s the most relatable character. If I were suddenly placed in the show, I’d act exactly like her: brave on the outside, terrified on the inside, and always carrying a sword called Needle.
- Which spin-off would be better: Tyrion and Varys in “Peeping Eunuch,” or “The Littlest Sellsword,” starring Tyrion and Bronn? I’d watch them both.
- But seriously, Littlefinger and Varys are so catty to one another, and Tyrion OWNS King’s Landing. Brilliant move putting Bronn in charge of the City Watch and shipping Janos Slynt to the Wall.
- I want to cuddle with a direwolf more than anything else in the world.
- Sam is SO much better in the show than he is in the books.
- There were a lot of dead bunnies for an episode that aired on Easter.
- Joffrey Slaps: 0. If anything, he metaphorically slapped his mom with the baby slaughtering.
- The Daenerys stuff continues to be less interesting than everything else. They’re literally just waiting around, and when they’re not waiting, they’re walking toward nothing. In other words, NEEDS. MORE. DRAGONS. (again)
- This isn’t a spoiler, but in the books, Yara is named Asha. Anyone know why the change?
- The only black man on the show is a crook who wants to have sex with the white queen. DAS RAYCESS?
- Stannis’s table can’t be comfortable to have sex on.
- Note to babies everywhere: do NOT agree to appear on “Game of Thrones.”
- Attractive Women of “Game of Thrones” Power Rankings, Episode 2: #5. Theon’s salt wife, #4. Yara, #3. Cersei, #2. Daenerys, #1. Melisandre.
Again: no spoilers. Now let’s talk about how awesome Arya is and look at some GIFs.