Getting upset at the Golden Globes is like screaming at a kindergartener for not understanding long division; there's zero point, really, because no matter how much you yell and tsk at them, nothing will get through. Most five year olds are developmentally unable to comprehend division algorithm, just as the majority of Hollywood Foreign Press Association members, who seem to have a mental blockage when it comes to figuring out the difference between good and EW NO WHY DID HOUSE OF LIES WIN BAD BAD BAD, wouldn't know "funny" if it was thrown in their faces, like one of Anjelica Huston's drinks on the Best Musical or Comedy-nominated series Smash.
This year's TV winners included Homeland (over Breaking Bad and Mad Men), Girls (over Community, Parks and Rec, Happy Endings, and Louie, none of which were nominated), Don Cheadle (over Louis C.K. and Alec Baldwin; four/fifths of Showtime's budget must go to "convincing" HFPA members to vote for their shows), Ed Harris (over Mandy Patinkin), and for Best Performance in a Comedy, Lena Dunham, a very good writer (calm down, guys), but not much of an actress, especially when compared to Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Let's talk about Tina and Amy, because otherwise we'd have to rag on Jodie Foster's rambling speech that's being hailed as brave, when it was actually cribbed by Foster from a blog spam bot, or Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone acknowledging their incoherent accents, which totally ruins the joke, or that miserable disco remix of Robyn's "Dancing On My Own" that played every time Girls was mentioned. Tina and Amy should host everything from now on. They were charming, funny, kept things running at a good pace, and never brought boring politics and God and atheism into the proceedings, unlike a certain someone last year; they could literally get away with murder right now. I could probably write 2,000 things on Tina's hair alone, but instead, I've collected some of their best moments from last night's ceremony in GIF form for your viewing privilege. Yes, it's f*cked 30 Rock and Parks have won a grand total of zero Globes since 2010, but last night was all about their stars, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
Full list of TV winners:
Best TV Series, Comedy or Musical
The Big Bang Theory
Best Miniseries or TV Movie
Hatfields & McCoys
Best Supporting Actress on TV, Miniseries or TV Movie
Hayden Panettiere, Nashville
Archie Panjabi, The Good Wife
Sarah Paulson, Game Change
Maggie Smith, Downtown Abbey: Season 2
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family
Best Actress in a Miniseries or TV Movie
Nicole Kidman, Hemingway & Gellhorn
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Asylum
Sienna Miller, The Girl
Julianne Moore, Game Change
Sigourney Weaver, Political Animals
Best Actor, TV Series Drama
Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Damian Lewis, Homeland
The only other important GIF from the Globes:
And then there's this...