What’s that, Louie Anderson? You have something to say? You do? Let me move closer. Oh man, Louie, you look and smell like a Cheeto that’s expanded to 80 times its original size while stuck in a pool filter. OK, what’s up? Why yes, I do know that you created Life with Louie…and that you were the voice of Louie…and that you were in Coming to America…and that Coming to America starred in Eddie Murphy…and that an entire section of your Wikipedia page reads, “A 1985 marriage to his high-school sweetheart lasted four weeks”…and that, hey, is this going anywhere? I did watch Splash, the celebrity diving show you’re on that premiered last night on ABC, yes. You were very good. Were you the best? I don’t know about that, IRL Hedonismbot, I mean, Louie. Let’s check the tape.
Very nice, very nice. Here’s Katherine Webb, your only real competition (sorry, Rudy).
Hm, so close. Let’s check out one more from Katherine.
SUCH A TOUGH CHOICE. Last one, I swear.
I think I’ve seen enough. The winner: Louie Anderson needing help to get out of the pool.
The loser: America. (And Happy Endings.) (Also, who actually won?)