Scandal (ABC, 10 p.m.) — I respect Scandal‘s decision to call their Anthony Weiner episode “Say Hello to My Little Friend.” Of course, in their version, he’s not only a sexting politician, but also a possible murderer who likes Paul Engemann’s lesser works, probably. Scandal is the best at being ridiculous.
Thursday Night Football (NFL, 8:25 p.m.) — I’m ignoring the World Series, because OBVIOUSLY everyone is going to be watching my Carolina Panthers take on the winless Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
The Millers/The Crazy Ones (CBS, 8:30 p.m.) — Can we combine these shows, get rid of everyone who isn’t Margo Martindale, Will Arnett, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Bob Benson, J.B. Smoove, and Eliza Coupe, come up with a new premise involving a bathing suit-wearing, aggressively helpful crime family matriarch named Danica Duberstein who works as a magician during the day and slayer at night, and put that show on FXX? Is that too much to ask?
Two and a Half Men (CBS, 9:30 p.m.) — “Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003.” NOPE.
Parenthood (NBC, 10 p.m.) — The new crown jewel of NBC Thursday nights. Miss u already, Parks.
Childrens Hospital (Adult Swim, 12 a.m.) — Season finale. The why-the-hell-not decision to film this season “in Japan” (Rob Corddry explained why in a recent Comedy Bang! Bang!) has been hit and miss, but Childrens Hospital is still weirder than pretty much any show on TV. At least until The Eric Andre Show is on right after.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Emma Roberts on Leno; Lisa Kudrow, Malcolm Gladwell, and Kings of Leon on Kimmel; Edward Norton, Judd Apatow, and Pearl Jam on Fallon; Megan Mullally and Adam DeVine on Conan; Chiwetel Ejiofor on Stewart; and Stephen Fry on Colbert.