Couple bits of 24-related news from the Fox panel at this week’s Television Critics Association event. First of all, the new 12-hour miniseries that they announced a few months back has a premiere date set for the spring. Specifically, the first episode, which will be a two-hour installment, will air at …
[Jack Bauer kicks down the down to my apartment]
Me: Oh, Jesus. Not again.
Jack Bauer: TELL ME WHEN THE SHOW IS GOING TO PREMIERE.
Me: Dude, I was just about to, before you kicked down my door. Agai-
Jack Bauer: [pistol whips me] THERE ISN’T ANY TIME. WE TRACED YOUR IP. WE KNOW YOU’VE BEEN ACCESSING THE FILES. SPILL IT.
Me: [bleeding from nose and gums] OW. GOD. According to the Fox executives at the TCAs, May 5 at 9 p.m. Please stop hitting me!
Jack Bauer: [points gun at my forehead] AND WHO’S THIS NEW CO-STAR?
Me: It’s Yvonne Strahovski! She’s gonna play a CIA agent!
Jack Bauer: WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY THAT IN THE HEADLINE?
Me: I … I was trying to get more people to click on it! I wanted to make it mysterious! It’s dog-eat-dog out here in the blog gam-…
Jack Bauer: [shoots me in the thigh] That bullet nicked an artery. Without proper medical attention in the next few minutes, you’ll bleed out and die. If you want to live, you’ll answer this question honestly and quickly: Is she the mole?
Me: I don’t know!
Jack Bauer: [squeezes wound with hand, hard] IS SHE THE MOLE?
Me: AAAAAHHHHHHHH I DON’T KNOW!
Jack Bauer: THEN WHY DOES SHE LOOK FAMILIAR?
Me: BECAUSE SHE WAS IN CHUCK AND THE MOST RECENT SEASON OF DEXTER, AND THAT CLIP OF HER AND HARRISON AND THE MURDEROUS TREADMILL WAS ALL OVER THE INTERNET!
Jack Bauer: [begins waterboarding me] AND WHY WAS IT ALL OVER THE INTERNET? WAS IT THE CHINESE?!
Me: [gurgling] glglgl-NO, BE-glglglg-CAUSE IT WAS HILAR-glglglgl-IOUS!
Jack Bauer: [removes gag, watches clip, pulls out cell phone] YES. CHLOE. THE TERRORISTS ARE USING EXERCISE EQUIPMENT. THE NEW AGENT MAY BE INVOLVED. GET ME THE SCHEMATICS FOR EVERY STAIRMASTER AND ELLIPTICAL MADE SINCE 2008. AND SEND A PARAMEDIC TO MY CURRENT LOCATION.
Me: Oh, thank God! Things are starting to get so blurry. I think I see a light. Tell them to hurr-…
[Jack Bauer knocks me unconscious with the butt of his gun, hops in my car, and crashes through the closed garage door even though the opener is right there on the visor]
Jack Bauer: [speeding down the highway, on new phone call] Yes, this is Jack Bauer from CTU. I need to speak to the President of ABC. GIVE ME BACK MY DAUGHTER… ‘S SHOW.