Do you enjoy coffee and loud spiky-haired celebrity chefs who have had at least one exotic sports car stolen by a teenaged criminal mastermind? You do?! Well, whoa Dolly, do I have some good news for you: Guy Fieri has launched Flavortown Roasts, a line of eight “unique coffee varieties” in Keurig single-serving cups that the press release describes as “a reflection of the flair for creativity that he brings to the kitchen every day.”
Let’s see that flair and creativity in action. Here are the flavors:
- Bananas Foster: Sweet banana, caramelized sugar and cinnamon flavors — brings me back to my days as a flambé captain!
- Caramel Apple Bread Pudding: All the flavor from my righteous Caramel Apple Bread Pudding stuffed into your mug.
- Chocolate Mint: The rich and creamy taste of chocolate and cool, fresh mint is perfect any time of year.
- Guy’s American Diner Blend: One thing you know about a diner is that they’ve got a great cup o’ joe…so here you go!
- Hazelnut Cinnamon Roll: Toasted hazelnut and big cinnamon flavors make this brew dessert in a mug.
- Hot Fudge Brownie: My chocolate on chocolate Hot Fudge Brownie coffee comes to you straight from Flavortown!
- Redwood Roast: Big, bold and strong like the mighty redwoods, this French roast will get your engine started.
- Unleaded Decaf: Full of rich medium roast flavor, just packin’ a little less horsepower.
Those … those are actually a little disappointing. Sure, he did reference his days as “a flambé captain” right there in the first one, and he does say the decaf is “packin’ a little less horsepower,” but this is the man who gave us a condiment called “Donkey Sauce.” I expect a little more from him. I mean, the words “diesel” and “rocket fuel” don’t appear in a single one. (Examples: “Guy’s Rocket Fuel Breakfast Blend – Get your mornin’ slamma-jammin’ with this mix of rockin’ bold South American flavors,” “Guy’s Double Diesel Brew-haha – Get an ice pack ready because this sucker packs a punch!,” etc.) Please tell me someone got a quote from Guy that actually includes the phrase “big bold flavors.” At least give me that.
“Really good coffee’s always been super important to me. It’s gotta be the real deal with big bold flavors,” said Fieri in a prepared statement. “Over the past year, I’ve been working with an awesome team of coffee nuts to create a killer line that’s ready to rock! My fans are going to dig the huge taste, big aroma and funky flavors in my brand new collection.”
Thank God. I need something to believe in, you know?
Source: SF Gate