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R.I.P. Your Childhoods: Here Comes A Lifetime Movie Titled ‘The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story’

By / 06.19.14
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So Dustin Diamond wrote a tell-all book a few years back about his time on Saved by the Bell and how everyone but him was doing sex and drugs with each other as though it was breaking news that wealthy, attractive, famous teenagers might dabble in those things when given the opportunity. The whole thing was really quite stupid and sad, and the only thing any of us really learned from it all is that Screech is a hater and a narc.

I bring this up now because things are about to get a whole lot stupider. Sayeth Buzzfeed:

Now, thanks to hours of brand new interviews conducted for this film (obtained independently of Diamond and his book), the real story will be brought to life in The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story, a new Lifetime television movie that guarantees no one will be able to look at the classic kids’ comedy the same way ever again!

So, a few things:

1) Just so we’re all clear on what’s happening here: Lifetime — the same network that brought you Lindsay Lohan in Liz & Dick and that Anna Nicole Smith movie where she wore sad clown makeup for … reasons — is airing a movie, today, in 2014 (September 1, to be exact), about the scandalous off-camera lives of teenagers who starred in a popular 90s show aimed at children, and they just went ahead and titled it The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story, as though one executive looked at the other during a meeting and said “Yeah, f*ck it. Let’s be as obvious as possible here.”

2) To be perfectly honest, I’d be more interested in a behind-the-scenes movie about the people who wrote the show. As I’ve pointed out before, there were two (2) separate arcs about a high school cheerleader dating men in their mid-to-late 20s — Jeff the dipsh*t diner manager and sleazeball Hawaiian attorney Brian Hansen — and I really want to know how a room full of college-educated adults came to the conclusion that that was an okay and normal thing to do on a Saturday morning television show.

3) That is a pathetic attempt at Zack Morris hair up there in the cast photo for this thing, and I am livid about it.

4) I am going to watch this stupid movie and write 2500 words about it and I already hate myself for it.

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