True or False: Andy is never ever going to be friends with Bill Compton.
When Andy and Bill teamed up to chase the infected vampires back to their home base, they ran into Vincent’s hilariously worthless gang of humans who couldn’t hurt a vampire if it was made of tissue paper. Andy pretended like he was going to kill Bill in front of them – because Andy hates Bill, you see – but he needed Bill alive for the time being, because Bill is an all-powerful vampire who can fight other vampires. That’s where this week’s Most Ridiculous Thing That Was Too Dumb To Even Laugh At happened, as we were supposed to believe that Bill wouldn’t have thrashed Vincent and his dorks to shreds before they could have lifted their matchsticks in anger.
Whatever, the point is that Andy and Bill have a new dynamic, and it seems like Bill is destined less to be a god among vampires and more a family man seeking redemption for his past discretions.
(Also, I love how Bill admitted that he ripped the governor’s head off on TV, and he’s just going about his life like nobody would have fired a missile at him. Hilarious.)
True or False: We do not approve of Jessica’s boyfriend, the Bam Margera Lookalike Contest Winner. Yet.
Nathan Parsons took over the role of Jessica Hamby’s boyfriend, James Kent, because – and I swear I’m not making this up – Luke Grimes left the role and show after last season because he didn’t like the direction of his character. I would have loved to have been in that meeting with his agent, when he explained that being the Vietnam War draft dodger turned vampire with a peaceful soul just wasn’t good enough for him. Whatever, Grimes’s loss is Parsons’s gain, and now he gets to be the guy in “adult situations” with Deborah Ann Woll each week.
At first I didn’t really care for James in this episode, because he looks exactly like someone gave Bam Margera a makeover so he could star on a daytime soap opera. But it turns out that Parsons isn’t a bad actor and his story isn’t terrible. Again, he was a draft dodger around the time of the Vietnam War, and his friend’s dad beat him to a pulp with a baseball bat, because his friend was killed in the war that he hid from. A local vampire took pity on him and “saved” him. The only problem I have with that is we don’t need new characters and back stories this late in the series. We can only hope that his story is told quickly, and he helps rescue Jessica and protect Adilyn, so Andy doesn’t lose his last daughter.
True or False: JASON STACKHOUSE IS A MAN!!! RAWWWWWWWR!!!
Ryan Kwanten, bless his heart, is not a good actor. Or maybe he’s brilliant and they actually tell him to behave like a cartoon version of a softcore porn actor at all times. Either way, Jason Stackhouse is still entertaining as hell, and in his defense, I did say that I want the writers of True Blood to script some balls on him this season. Sure enough, Jason stood up to Violet for emasculating him in front of Vincent’s gang of vampire food – again, were they going to somehow hurt Violet before she destroyed them? – and his solution was to demand that Violet have sex with him. I know that’s rather PC for how they actually put it, but Google won’t let this show up in searches if I include every last F-bomb.
It seems that Jason has finally found his love interest in Violet, and I think that might be the first piece in the puzzle that will reveal how Sarah Newlin will hilariously die before this is all over. I don’t know that for a fact, but that’s my wishful thinking.
True or False: All of the humans should lure the infected vampires to their homes, so they can not invite them inside and then let them explode into flames at sunrise, right?
So if all of the infected vampires are as dumb as the dude who went after Adilyn and Jessica, then the solution is simple, right? Just use the humans as bait and lead each of the vampires to a sunrise flame death. I mean, I hope it’s not that simple, so maybe the rest of them are smarter than that big dumb fireball.
But more importantly…
True or False: Jessica, you guys.
True or False: It’s a sh*tty week to be a tertiary character.
After Tara kicked the bucket in the opening, it was pretty clear that neither Holly nor Arlene were going to become a feast for the diseased vampires, because they’ll need them for dramatic purposes over the next few episodes. Also, Andy deserves better than to lose his love interest this soon. But that other officer might as well have put on a red Star Trek shirt and started sprinkling Lowry’s seasoned salt all over himself.
As long as I’m making meaningless predictions, I’ll go ahead and throw Arlene’s name on the deceased list at some point this season. She can meet up with Terry in a touching afterlife scene that lasts no more than three seconds.
True or False: Depriving us of Eric Northman and Sarah Newlin will not make us happy.
We don’t know how long Pam’s quest through Morocco and beyond to find Eric Northman is going to last, but I really dig where this is going. Eric’s obviously up to something big and I expect the reveal of how he was saved and where he is now will be pretty awesome. I’m also standing by my prediction that Eric and Pam will find true love together, even though bragging about that prediction is like bragging that you knew the sun would rise. What I don’t know is what this map means, so if I’m missing something obvious, fill me in.
As for Sarah Newlin, why are we stuck dealing with an ignorant, terrified bigot like Vincent, when Sarah has already played that role so well? Get her back to us ASAP, because as much as I hate her, I LOVE hating her. Also, I would like to be strung along with the biggest case of true balls that I’ve ever had, leading up to her wonderful, exhilarating and perfect demise.
What We Can Expect from Season 7
The season preview showed us a montage of chaos in Bon Temps, but I’m assuming that the focus will be Sookie trying to fix the mess that everyone is blaming her for, while Bill attempts to save the city from the infected vampires as if it will bring him redemption for his past sins. Whether or not that’s right will be seen in the coming weeks, but I think that “Jesus Gonna Be Here” was a very good start.