I try not to post too much about “Toddlers & Tiaras” because the whole thing is a depressing creepshow that makes me alternate between sad and angry and I get enough of that as a Philadelphia Eagles fan. But this video is so preposterous and damning of society that I would be shirking my duty as a television blogger if I didn’t pass it along, so I will bite the bullet. The things I do for you people.
Some of you may remember the episode of “Toddlers & Tiaras” featuring 6-year-old Alana, also known as “Honey Boo-Boo Child” (for those who are unfamiliar, and I’m sure you will all be quite surprised to find out that the type of parents who push their child to enter competitions where they have to parade like a strumpet in front of wispily-mustachioed judges are ALSO the type of parents who allow their child to mix Red Bell and Mountain Dew (“It’s got what plants crave!”) and then RAMPAGE all over their property. Buzzfeed has a ton of GIFs of Alana freaking out, but I think the one on the right sums up our country’s future pretty well.
If Germany is the Florida of the world, America is the Ohio.