Grouping the New ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ Contestants by Cultural Relevance

Senior Pop Culture Editor
01.04.12 22 Comments

Her.

Earlier today, Donald Trump unveiled the 18 contestants for the fifth season of “The Celebrity Apprentice,” which premieres on NBC on February 12. Here they are, ranked by their current cultural relevance.

Relevant: Michael Andretti (cars and stuff); Adam Carolla (unfortunately means Bill Simmons will write a 17,000 word essay comparing this season to the first :17 seconds of Hoosiers); Lou Ferrigno (THE HULK); George Takei (Sulu/gay rights activist); Paul Teutul, Sr. (like Clay Morrow but real); and Patricia Velásquez (second Marta on “Arrested Development”).

Once Relevant: Tia Carrere (all downhill since Wayne’s World 2); Arsenio Hall (will the Trump WHOOP?); Lisa Lampanelli (“…something something black guys!”); Dayana Mendoza (psh, former Miss Universe); and Cheryl Tiegs (her SI Swimsuit Issue covers helped a lot of guys get through high school in the 1970s).

And here’s a bunch of “celebrities” who never mattered, ever: Clay Aiken (best known for being named “Clay Aiken”); Debbie Gibson (Tiffany’s better); Teresa Giudice (Housewife of Jersey who looks anything but real); Victoria Gotti (Hot Italian Dish author); Penn Jillette (loud magician); Dee Snider (Twisted Sister: awful band or MOST awful band?); and Girl from Danity Kane. And the Trump himself.

But will there be bear throwing?

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