If last week was for curveballs, this week was for all the stuff you’d expect from a Top Chef episode in San Francisco: Hubert Keller, Michael Chiarello being smug, artisanal toast. Artisanal toast is to San Francisco what the Jesus statue is to Brazil now, apparently. And that’s the reason the terrorists hate us. And the reason the Republicans hate us. And the reason the people who live here hate ourselves.
The quickfire, in fact, was a toast-cooking challenge. Just re-read that phrase a few times if it hasn’t hit you how stupid it is yet. It’s f*cking toast. There isn’t much you can do with it, and everything you can stretches the limits of calling it “toast.” Basically, there’s bruschetta, jam, paté, or maybe a garlic cheese thing if you want to keep it super basic (all things that are only slightly more boring to watch someone make than to eat). It was bad enough for them to have a toast-based challenge, but to make things even worse, the contestants didn’t even have to bake the bread. Which is kind of, like, the main component of toast, isn’t it? This was basically a garnishing challenge. Why not give them all plates of fresh pasta and see who grates the best parmesan?
Anyway, the challenge was introduced by Tracy Des Jardin, who said, “Artisanal toast is a classic San Francisco item now,” which feels like a bit of an oxymoronic statement. Oh, it’s a classic now? What will be a San Francisco classic next week?
Padma then added that this quickfire would be an ELIMINATION challenge. The bottom two toast makers would go head-to-head in an open-ended “make me a good plate of food” challenge, because not even the Top Chef producers are bastards enough to send one of the top five contestants home over a toast-topping challenge.
The first of those bottom two turned out to be Amar, on account of trying to put an entire menagerie of cured French meats and a reduction sauce atop some raisin bread. Dear God man, not even an eccentric Bourbon monarch would’ve eaten truffled duck-breast prosciutto on raisin bread with balsamic reduction or whatever you made. The restraint it must’ve taken not to add an oyster beurre blanc-glazed sweetbread with lobster hollandaise. Amar naturally landed in the bottom two with Carl, who tried to pair burrata and shrimp to go on top of some sourdough. Which leads me to…
Vince’s Random Food Rant Of The Week
By the way, sourdough sucks. I mean, I guess it doesn’t suck, it just annoys me that it exists. It’s not because it’s terrible, or because it isn’t better than a lot of breads, but I ask you: Is there any situation in which sourdough is preferable to regular French bread? Sourdough is like French bread, only sour, less flaky, and harder to bite through. So, like French bread, but worse in every way. Basically, sourdough is bad French bread that’s been skating by thanks to French bread being so good. But it’s not like French bread is some exotic delicacy. If you’re going to give me sourdough, just give me French bread instead. The only situation where sourdough works better than sweet French is as a bread bowl. Which is only barely food. Congratulations, sourdough. You might not taste good, but you’re great at mimicking furniture. F*ck sourdough.
Anyway, Des Jardin and Padma both objected to Carl’s seafood and cheese combo, no matter how much Carl tried to explain that it’s actually quite popular in southern Italy [citation needed]. “I appreciate that there’s a historical reference, but it’s just one of those pet peeves that I have,” says Judge Des Jardin.
Dammit, Carl, didn’t you learn anything from Karen? It doesn’t matter what regional cuisine actually consists of, only what the judges think regional cuisine consists of. Carl then defeated Amar in a head-to-head battle, despite making ANOTHER GOD-DAMNED CRUDO. What a travesty. This was like the food-TV version of Eddie Redmayne winning Best Actor last year.
After that, Hubert Keller showed up to introduce the elimination challenge, cooking a five-course dinner at zee famous Fleur De Lys, which would reopen one last time for the purpose. Having to bring their A game in front of a bunch of heavy hitters inspired the contestants to go classic and get ambitious, trying to make pigeon-stuffed ox hearts and pummeled pig snout terrines and whatnot. Now, I’m not a French food connoisseur or even much of an enthusiast, really, at least when it comes to eating out. But it’s striking how much more interesting it is to watch someone cook a classical French dish than it is to see them, say, throw together a crudo or ceviche or God forbid put something on top of some f*cking toast. Oh, you cut up some fish and drizzled lime on it? Fascinating. Wake me when you have to debone an entire rabbit, stuff the meat into its ear, and braise it in a sauce made from its bones.
Rankings
1. Jeremy
Nickname(s): Frat Dad, J-Rock, Spicy J-Rock 305.
Quickfire Dish: Chicken-liver mousse, pickled cherries, white raspberries, jalapeño & arugula on ciabatta toast.
It was a pretty easy choice putting the J-Rock at number one this week, considering he won both the quickfire and the elimination challenge. Also, those “pommes soufflées” he made by frying thinly sliced potatoes in hot oil looked awesome. I’m going to try that at home. First I have to buy a mandolin, then I have to try to not cut my finger off, and after that the cooking technique starts. Anyway, it feels like we’ve come full circle having the Spicy J-Rock 305 back on top after being on top of these rankings so often early in the show. I also think he should always cook classical French food. Adding French technique to his dad-bro vernacular is a fun little wrinkle. “Brah, these pommes soufflés are like little pillows, they melt in your mouth like fresh pow pow. After that I’m going to follow it up with some calf’s brain tartar served on a crispy wonton, it’s gonna be so tight.”
Elimination Dish: Filet de loup de mer, truffle potato purée, pommes soufflées and heirloom tomato.
Reviews: “I really love Jeremy’s dish.” “The little details really stood out to me.”
Notable Quote: “He’s just like a prodigy.” – Jeremy, Kwame. SHUT UP, JEREMY, THAT’S MY NICKNAME FOR KWAME.
2. Marjorie (-1)
Nickname(s): Sheyore, Mike Ms.abella.
Quickfire dish: Sourdough baguette with pancetta fennel marmalade and Dungeness crab salad.
Reviews: “Very San Francisco.”
With Marjorie on a tear this week and a bread-based challenge to lead off the episode, this was her chance to really ice the chef game and run up the culinary score. You know, really extend her food lead. Sadly, the producers tied her yeast hands behind her back, but not requiring anyone to bake their own bread. Rude. Marjorie would’ve won that one going away. Then she ended up saddling her lamb wrong. BAD LAMB SADDLING, MARJORIE! This was Tom Colicchio’s face when he found out Marjorie took the bone out of her lamb before she roasted it:
You never want to incur one of Tom Colicchio’s famous MEAT TANTRUMS.
To make matters worse, Marjorie didn’t rest her lamb long enough! Gross, you dummy! No one likes exhausted lamb! Anyway, Marjorie is still just off the lead thanks to a bad week this week, but she’s right there in contention. All Jeremy has to do is to make more crudo or get too high and pitch another Hooters gastropub and Marjorie could cruise to an easy victory.
Elimination Dish: Roasted lamb saddle with artichoke purée, artichoke barigoule and roasted squash, tomatoes, and olives.
Reviews: “I think Marjorie hit (it) on the head with Provencal flavors.” “I think Marjorie did a great job cooking the artichokes, but they’re underseasoned.” “The lamb definitely was not properly cooked. Not enough time to rest.”
3. Isaac
Nickname(s): Cornbread, Roux McClanahan.
Quickfire Dish: Butter-fried ciabatta with pecorino, prosciutto, roasted pepper spread.
WARM UP DA FAN BOAT, CORNBREAD AN’ PEPPAH GON’ TO DA FINALS, Y’ALL.
Cornbread had the tastiest-looking toast dish in the quickfire this week (putting “butter-fried” in the name of the dish always has that effect on me), and he followed it up by doing a “ballotine.” Which apparently involves deboning a whole duck, then chopping up the meat and cooking it inside the still-intact sheet of fat. That… looked… awesome. And hard. Unfortunately, all that prep work meant Isaac didn’t have time to cook his duck low and slow like he wanted. He had to cook it hot and fast, just the way your mother likes it. This lead to dry ballotine and angry Tom Colicchio, who, as previously noted, sh*ts his pampers any time he gets meat that’s not perfect. Just like J-Rock coming full circle, Cornbread is back to making amazing-looking dishes but getting knocked for a lack of “finesse” and “refinement.”
“Take ya spats off, Peppah, dem city folk done said my vittles ain’ ‘ree-fine.’ Let’s go shrimpin’. Me tryna fix dis ol’ city food like puttin lipstick on a alligatah anyhow.”
(*Pepper puts straw hat back on, ponders his reflection in the fine silverware, then rubs it on a pant leg and stuffs it in his overalls*)
It was also weird that Isaac mentioned “horse meat” in his dish. (I think?) The show glossed right over it, and didn’t put it in the dish description or include anyone commenting on it. Were they trying to keep from upsetting the horse lobby? Some of us like horse meat, you know. Especially your mom.
Elimination Dish: Duck Ballotine with porcini, lentils, figs, foie gras, a cherry gastrique and hey wait a second, did he say horse meat?
Reviews: “He was right on flavors.” “Flavors were good. But it needs more sauce, without a doubt it needs more sauce.” “This needed to go slow.”
4. Carl (-2) ((Eliminated))
Nickname(s): Dr. Funky Fresh.
Quickfire Dish: Grilled sourdough with burrata, blistered cherry tomatoes and shrimp.
Oh, Carl. What to say about Carl? The guy who named himself “Dr. Funky Fresh” and tried to bust a freestyle in front of MC Hammer the other week said, upon hearing of the toast challenge, “I guess we’ll see who’s got the toastest with the mostest!”
Man. Now that he’s no longer invisible, I’m starting to wonder if the reason Carl didn’t get much screen time before is that the producers knew he was dorky in a non-charming way. I’m not saying Carl’s bad personality is to blame for making him less watchable, he just desperately needed a Walter Sobchak-type character to play off of. Someone who, upon hearing the words “toastest with the mostest!” could’ve screamed “SHUT THE F*CK UP, CARL!”
Then we might’ve felt bad for Carl and his inherent doofusness would’ve been a plus. Instead, he had Sheyore, Cajun Santa Claus, the Prodigy, J-Rock, and Big Sleazy the perma-chill Dominican. No one that was into shouting. It was Carl’s loss, and the world’s.
Anyway, Carl ended up going home trying to make a foie gras torchon in three hours, which I gather normally takes days, or so they told us four million times. I’ve never eaten it myself. I guess all those poor geese were cruelly force-fed in vain. RIP, Carl.
Elimination dish: Foie gras en gelée with black pepper, strawberries, and fines herbes.
Reviews: “It’s undercured…” “It’s raw liver.” “Doing a foie gra torchon in three hours is not doable.” “I don’t think Carl’s dish was a complete failure.”
Notable Quote(s): “This is (a) cook for your lifetime!” [*three seconds later*] “I’m making snapper crudo!”
“I left my heart in the dish today, and I’m stickin’ by it.” -WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT STICKING BY A BAD DISH, CARL!
5. Amar (-2) ((Eliminated))
Nickname(s): Big Sleazy
Quickfire dish: Foie gras & duck breast, fig marmalade, balsamic truffle glaze, and prosciutto on raisin sourdough.
Amar crushed the previous challenge from two shows ago by cooking classic French food to French chefs, which unfortunately tricked Big Sleazy into thinking he was a regular Pierre Escargot, trying to stuff every French thing he could think of, short of hand-rolled cigarettes, into some raisin toast (gross).
Then he went head-to-head against Carl, cooking a beautiful piece of fish that was apparently underseasoned, but at least wasn’t a goddamned crudo like Carl’s. Tom had Big Sleazy’s back vis-a-vis Not Another F*cking Crudo, but unfortunately for Big Sleazy, Padma goes weak-kneed for anything with a chili pepper in it. Carl’s had that at least. And with one vote for Carl and one for Amar, the deciding vote went to Tracy Des Jardin, who hadn’t been around for the previous episodes to get burnt out on every third chef cooking another crudo. Bummer.
The tragedy of Big Sleazy going out in the quickfire is that if only he could’ve squeaked into the finals, he could’ve torchoned and terrined to his heart’s content, and really let the buon times brulée.
It’s now basically a three-way race between Amar, Carl, and Jason to win Last Chance Kitchen and come back for the finale. In the past, the smart money would’ve been on Amar there, but after just dropping a head-to-head to Carl, and Jason running through the competition on Last Chance Kitchen without having a panic attack, I’m much less sure.
Notable Quote(s): “I went in there and saw that beautiful juicy plum and I thought I might as well try it.” – I think Amar was trying to outdo Padma for purposeful, tongue-in-cheek sexual innuendo. Pretty sure he was flirting.
Next Week’s Tease
Remember what I said about saving Padma’s good outfits for sweeps week? BOOM, it’s finale-in-Las-Vegas time.
So yeah, we’ve got that to look forward to. Plus a two-part finale and the winner of Last Chance Kitchen returns! I can’t wait.
Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.
