One of the questions that I get more than any other is “Why True Blood?” More specially, people like to ask me why such a macho dude who can do almost two whole pull-ups would volunteer to recap an R-rated soap opera about vampires, werewolves and faeries each week instead of awesome shows like Person of Interest or 24. The short answer is because I suck at watching TV shows on a regular schedule, so I’m way behind on plenty of the favorites. In fact, people love to bitch that we spoil episodes for them, but writing for this site basically destroyed Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones for me. And yet I bravely push on, thanks mostly to a horrible short term memory.
But the more accurate answer is that the one show that I shamefully stay on top of is True Blood, because this show cracks me up more than anything else, and it’s partially because of how bad it is. So when people chime in with the typical, boring comments like, “This show is still on?” and “Who watches this sh*t?” I want them to understand that if I come across as serious at any point in these rambling, sloppy diatribes, it’s all soaked in several gallons of sticky, disgusting irony. I do this out of my strange appreciation for bad things, as well as my pride of having the best episode recaps for lousy TV shows on the Internet.
Also, Deborah Ann Woll is a global treasure, and I’d watch a Charlie Sheen sitcom if she was in it. On mute, of course. Now that we’re done with that unfortunately necessary disclaimer, let’s get on with this week’s very mediocre and predictably drawn out episode, “I Found You.” I know it’s not the same song, but this episode’s title got that terrible The Fray song in my head – I know, they all are – and that might have had me wrongly irritated from the start.
True or False: Jason Stackhouse trying to angrily seduce Eric Northman is rivaled in comedy only by Jack Donaghy and Devin Banks.
Even in his own homoerotic wet dreams, Jason is hilariously awkward. A friend of mine texted me that the mutual seduction between Jason and Eric was “too much,” but I was cracking up too much to even notice. I don’t want to linger on it, because I’m sure Ryan Kwanten is a nice guy, but his acting gets funnier and funnier to me every time. He’s like a Saturday Night Live parody of his character, as if the show was trying to defend itself outright from satire.
Acting aside, the opening was obviously a dream sequence because last we checked, Jason wasn’t on the hunt for Eric. And it had to be Jason’s dream, because there’s no way that we could be reintroduced to Eric having himself some sticky slumber when he has too many questions to answer. So does this mean that Jason will eventually have to choose between Eric and Violet, who was maddeningly absent from this episode, or was this just filler for the sake of making the ladies damp? I’m leaning toward the latter because of Eric’s eventual revelation that we’ll get to shortly.
True or False: Andy is a pretty terrible dad to his one remaining daughter.
So Adilyn is basically crack-cocaine to vampires and Andy just leaves her on her own while he investigates Saint Alice with his band of supernatural vigilantes? Great job, dad. Meanwhile, she starts reading the stupid humans’ minds while they’re plotting their coup d’etat against the “dog-bear mayor,” and she realizes that they’re about to raid the police station’s gun room. While that is an excellent plan in a town that has three whole cops, it doesn’t distract us from the fact that Andy should have chained Adilyn to a radiator in his basement with a whole team of mercs surrounding her with UV rifles and silver bullets.
On top of that, since most of this episode took place during the daytime, we have to resort to the True Blood web clips for our Jessica Hamby fix this week, since she was confined to Andy’s attic for all three minutes of her story this week.Subscribe to UPROXX
True or False: This show doesn’t have enough terrible accents, so adding a British vampire was a great idea.
You know what we seriously didn’t need? The backstory of the diseased vampire horde. We have so little time left in this final season, and we would have been best served with the sick vampires simply playing intermediate enemies in the grand scheme of Bill and the Bon Temps vampires leading a resistance against the government humans who are still trying to spread Hepatitis-V. Instead, we now have a power struggle between some dying vampires, two of which are a-holes, one used to be a school teacher, and the other has a terrible British accent. And I say that hoping that it’s his real accent, because like every other accent on this show, it sounds like it came from a terrible cartoon made by people who have never traveled anywhere.
True or False: Arlene gives the best motivational speeches about escaping from savage, diseased vampires.
Accents aside, I like the fact that Arlene, Holly and Nicole haven’t given up hope and settled for spending their remaining days screaming in fear in a basement. Sure, it sucks that the only diseased vampire with a conscience melted while feeding on Arlene’s thigh, but they have enough other random nobodies in that basement with them to hold the remaining vampires over until Andy and Sam show up to save them.
Speaking of Nicole and her big pregnant belly, I didn’t even realize she was in the basement with them last week, so I have to amend my odds for who Sookie will end up with. Barring a really twisted decision by the sick vamps, Sam will obviously end up with Nicole, thanks to the foreshadowing in Saint Alice, with Andy saying that a man is nothing without a family and Sam moping in front of Kaylen’s baby crib. Also, the diary and flashback scene proved that we’re heading to a huge showdown between Bill and Alcide. I hope it’s shirtless.
True or False: Tara’s mom just joined Terry Bellefleur in the magical land of Parts I Fast Forward Through.
First thing’s first, I want my cell phone ring tone to be Lafayette yelling, “You triflin’ bitch!” for the rest of eternity. That line got a legit belly laugh out of me. Lafayette continues to be the best, especially when he’s not teasing a seduction of Jessica’s boyfriend. I know I forgot to mention that whole whatever-it-was last week, but I was worried that I was the only one taking it that way. I’m glad more people agreed that it seems to be heading toward that and it’s so stupid. Let’s hope the fact that Bam Margera’s doppelganger was absent this week can be chalked up to him just being written out.
Now, where I find charm in Ryan Kwanten’s hilarious bad acting as Jason, Adina Porter’s over-the-top ridiculousness as Lettie Mae Thornton goes from funny to infuriating in a matter of seconds. She’s like a parody of something I don’t feel comfortable laughing at. Also, I have issues with people putting their hands in frying pans. That’s up there with garbage disposals for me, so stop that nonsense.
It’s “you’re,” terrible character.
True or False: Every time a human citizen of Bon Temps speaks, I cheer for the vampires.
I already don’t like him, but the way Vincent says, “Vamperrrs” really pisses me off. The only human who gets a pass from me right now – aside from Andy and any other main characters, obviously – is the fat lady who kept saying random things, as if her character was mocking the stupidity of Sam’s character. If she had yelled something like, “And he’s never gonna get with Sookie, because he’s friend zoned,” I probably would have started an Emmy campaign.
So let’s go ahead and talk about that human master plan that’s going to fail miserably…
True or False: The first thing you should do when looting all of the guns and ammo from the police department is waste all of the bullets.
I couldn’t really tell if the show was flirting with a political message with the comments about the second amendment and the NRA, but I don’t care because I have trained myself to ignore that stuff in my TV stories. I liked this scene because usually when a show or movie has an angry mob and everyone grabs a gun, they completely ignore the fact that you can’t just give Jane Doe a gun and expect her to fire on target. It was smart to show them training the townspeople who don’t know how to handle firearms where to point and how to shoot, but then the guy wasted six rounds showing people how huge his dick is, and you can’t waste bullets in the face of an Armageddon.
Also, speaking of that whole everyone’s gonna die aspect, two questions: 1) Why the f*ck is nobody getting in their cars and hauling ass to a safer city? 2) Where the hell is the National Guard? An entire town has vanished, with hundreds of bodies in a giant ditch and nobody is protecting the humans? Dick move, government.
True or False: Jason’s pizza forensics featured misinformation.
Let this be a message for all of the young, impressionable kids out there – when I was in college, like many other people, I was very poor and sometimes didn’t care just how old some food was. One time, I ate a slice of pizza that my friend had left out on his kitchen counter for two days, but it was still in the box so I thought it was from that day. Regardless, I found out the hard way that pizza that has been left out for a considerable amount of time will do things to a man’s stomach that he will remember forever.
Also, who the f*ck stops to eat old pizza in a house in a town that has been wiped out by diseased vampires? Pretty sure my appetite would be on the back burner next to Lettie Mae’s hand.
True or False: Eric’s not going to die, you guys.
I feel like there is more to address, but I take notes of the main points of each episode as they happen, and this is pretty much it this week. They really dragged some of the weaker parts out – like the stupid Sookie and Bill flashback that we didn’t need because we know that he’s going to come between her and Alcide – and we got one whole minute of the most interesting part of this final season so far – where the f*ck is Eric Northman? You know, aside from musking up Jason’s horny church dreams.
It seems that we’re going to get less of an explanation of how Eric survived bursting into flames in the Swedish snow since we need to know why he has Hep-V. Either that or where he got that bitchin’ tattoo of a tree on his chest. Has Eric given up in the wake of losing Nora? Probably. This is not at all what I expected out of this great character in the final season. I wanted blaze of glory and it look like we’re getting rotten egg fart of emo worthlessness. Fix this man quickly, Pam. He needs to get back and help save Bon Temps.
True or False: Sam Merlotte’s going to meet his maker next week.
I’m guessing that they’re not going to have Vincent kill off Sam next week, as was teased in the preview, since they spent a few minutes foreshadowing him wanting to have a family with Nicole. But then this show has also never been devoted to making sense.