Suits (USA, 10 p.m.) – Tonight’s episode features a ton of flashbacks to when Harvey was in the D.A.’s office and Mike was putzing around with his doofus friends and wasting his genius brain on cartoons or whatever. What were you doing ten years ago? I was driving around the suburbs blasting “Lose Yourself” so loud it made my crappy car rattle. I was that guy. Aggressively so.
Drunk History (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.) – From TV Guide: “Events in Nashville include Lewis and Clark’s dangerous journey; and Dolly Parton saying good-bye to the man who made her famous.” Seems like a nice time to remind you that Dolly Parton reportedly wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day. On the same day. (Relevant.)
Who Do You Think You Are? (TLC, 9 p.m.) – Chris O’Donnell explores his ancestry, which I presume will mean he finds out he was part of a famous family of circus acrobats who lost their lives at the hands of disgraced former District Attorney Harvey Dent. Batman Forever references? Anyone? Kilmer?
Hard Knocks (HBO, 10 p.m.) – QUICK: NAME TEN PLAYERS ON THE BENGALS! HELL, NAME FIVE! NO CHEATING!
Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family, 8 p.m.) – Apparently there’s a hoedown at school where the girls will try to corner “A” tonight. I don’t think I ever want to be cornered at a hoedown. I’m not sure exactly what it entails, but it doesn’t sound pleasant.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Everyone’s in repeats except Letterman, who has Louis C.K. and John Legend. Strike when your enemy is weak. My man Sun Tzu taught me that.