Top Chef (Bravo) — Season finale. In a competition between the three contestants who outperformed the competition by far throughout the season, I’ll be rooting for the fat bearded guy (Kevin) over the two Voltaggio brothers, Brian and his A-hole brother Mike. Side note: I tweeted about this last week, but Padma Lakshmi with bangs and a baby bump gave me a violent erection. My penis went out and robbed people at gunpoint after the last episode.
Glee (Fox) — Fall finale. I’m not sure what that means. I guess the show is going on hiatus for a couple months before finishing its season. By the way, if you like Jane Lynch in this show — and you should, because she’s the best part about it — you should check out Amy Phillips’s amazing Lynch impersonation in this Funny or Die video.
The Ruins (MTV) — Season finale. What is this, the 57th season of the Road Rules/Real World Challenge?
Barbara Walters Presents: The Ten Most Fascinating People of 2009 (ABC) — I got an email from “patguy” who informed me that Walters was on Letterman last night. The purpose of his message? “Huge earlobes. They look a lot like ballsacks.” So there’s that. Anyway, some of the people on this fascinating list: Kate Gosselin, Glenn Beck, Lady Gaga, Adam Lambert, Tyler Perry, Brett Favre, and Jenny Sanford, the estranged wife of South Carolina governor Mark Sanford. And not one person on that list made it for having huge tits. I’m afraid my list would be very different.
Campus PD (G4) — Series premiere. University police bust underage kids for drinking. Must be really fulfilling lives they lead.
Law & Order: SVU (NBC) — John Larroquette guest stars. I caught an episode in syndication last night where Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Elizabeth Banks played married porn stars. I support any fictional world where Elizabeth Banks is a porn star (and Ice-T is a cop).