American Idol (Fox, 8:00 p.m.) – Two-hour Season 13 premiere. Your judges are now Jennifer Lopez, Keith Urban, and Harry Connick, Jr. Part of me kind of hopes the three of them hit it off so well that they form the strangest, most perfectly coifed band ever. Another part of me hopes Jennifer Lopez and Harry Connick, Jr. try to kill each other, like that season with Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj. Either or both would be fine.
Arrow (CW 8:00 p.m.) – On tonight’s episode, a character named Shrapnel sets off bombs in Starling City. Really, Shrapnel? Bombs? Seems a little on-the-nose to me, buddy.
Suburgatory (ABC, 8:30 p.m.) – Season premiere. Natasha Leggero guest stars. It would be hilarious if she orchestrated that whole Pearl Harbor joke controversy just to promote a single guest appearance on Suburgatory.
Modern Family (ABC, 9:00 p.m.) – Tonight we’ve got guest spots by Jesse Eisenberg (as Mitchell and Cam’s environmentalist neighbor) and Jane Krakowski (as a mean mom who bullies Gloria at a school event). This is interesting because it made me picture a version of 30 Rock where Jesse Eisenberg played Kenneth. Totally changes the show. I vote we bring it back and try it.
American Horror Story: Coven (FX, 10:00 p.m.) – “Cordelia makes a sacrifice. Meanwhile, Fiona and Laveau face off with the Corporation.” Way funnier if they mean this Corporation.
Top Chef (Bravo, 10:00 p.m.) – Po’ Boy Smackdown. There are no losers here.
The Soup (E!, 10:00 p.m.) – The entire description of tonight’s episode on TV Guide’s website is “Patton Oswalt.” Good enough for me!
Happy Endings (VH1, 7:00-9:00 p.m.) – Please consider this your periodic reminder that VH1 purchased all 57 episodes of Happy Endings and is running four of them every Wednesday night. This should make you happy and sad.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Meryl Streep and Joseph Gordon-Levitt on Kimmel; Kevin Hart on Letterman; Tig Notaro and Julie Delpy on Ferguson; Vanessa Hudgens, Mark Cuban, and Foreigner on Leno; Ice Cube and Mark Consuelos on Fallon; and Damian Lewis on Conan.
Photo credit: FOX