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Bachelor in Paradise, the show that collects the various cast-offs from The Bachelor and Bachelorette, is as much a show ostensibly about finding true love as it is about the contestants strategically preventing themselves from getting kicked off an island with free flowing booze and hot-tub bacteria. Carly Waddell, who previously appeared on season 19 of The Bachelor with Chris Soules, as well as the first season of Paradise, knows how the game is played. So on last night’s episode she took an interest in “penis guy” (erectile-dysfunction specialist) Evan both as a potential mate, but also as someone who could definitely be counted on to hand her a rose.
The evening before the rose ceremony, Carly attempted to get to know Evan, who she thought was sweet but not quite aggressive enough to her liking. In an interview she told the cameras, “Evan definitely has my attention, and I’m kind of wondering what kissing him would be like.” She didn’t have to wait long, because before retiring to their respective cabanas for the night, she and Evan shared what appeared to be a sweet kiss. But it was not a sweet kiss. It was a “terrible kiss,” according to Carly, and unbeknownst to Evan who went to sleep imagining his and Carly’s wedding day, probably.
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Suffice to say Carly got her rose, ensuring her stay on the island for at least another week. But because producers on Bachelor in Paradise are nothing if not sadistic bastards, Evan got a date card and naturally asked her to go with him, which she felt kind of obligated to on account of not getting booted off the island and all. I mean how bad could it be! Probably some margs and guacamole over a candlelit table with maybe some mariachi guys playing somewhere off to the side, right?
Not quite. Carly and Evan were taken to a secret location where they were surprised by bright lights, a large crowd of people, Chris Harrison and a Guinness World Records lady, who informed them that they would be breaking the world record for longest Habanero pepper kiss, which is apparently a thing. Poor Carly. Poor, poor Carly. Do they literally just poach Bachelor producers from Guantanamo now? I don’t know how else to explain this. So not only did she have to eat an excruciatingly hot raw Habanero pepper, but she had to kiss a man who is such a poor kisser that the fact that he once made two children with a human lady mystified her. And all this in front of like 50 people!
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At this point I have to give Carly some credit here, because if this was me I would have been like, “LOL peace out Chris Harrison, you can take your middle-shelf Mai Tais and cram them so far up your ass, because nothing is worth this much pain and humiliation.”
But she did it. God help her, she did it.
Incredibly, they broke the 90-second record with a kiss clocking in at one minute and 40 seconds, which Evan later described by saying, “My mouth is still on fire, and I’m not sure if it’s more from the pepper or from Carly.” For her part, Carly promptly vomited, which she clarified was not just from the pepper but also from the kiss.
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Welp, good luck to these two kids! They’re going to need it, because in the previews for tonight’s episode it looks like Carly sets the record straight with Evan — if Evan’s tears are any indication. Can a “penis guy” catch a break?
