Summer doesn’t officially end until Sept. 22, but with Labor Day weekend upon us, it may as well be autumn. Kids go back to school, football players partake in contests that matter and there really isn’t a place in the world where you can’t buy a pumpkin-flavored beer or coffee. The weather in most parts of the United States says differently, but it’s time to say goodbye to the summer.
It’s also time to say goodbye to the nagging, idiotic sports stories that plagued us throughout the summer months (and in at least one case, will harass us as we sip our pumpkin spice lattes while watching the leaves change). It is within the body of this story that we will push these dreaded stories out to sea and never hear from them again (except that one story, and you know which one it is).
These are the seven stories that continuously crept into your newsfeeds, Twitter streams and trending tabs. Let us eulogize and bury them. They are ranked here in ascending order of obnoxiousness.
7. Draymond Green’s Penis
If you ever wondered why people use Snapchat, Draymond Green accidentally let the world know when he snapped his semi-erect member to the world amid a cluster of completely benign photos. If I wanted to see junk appear unexpectedly in a stream of enjoyable content and ruin my night, I wouldn’t have Darren Rovell blocked on Twitter. If I wanted to see a Green penis, I’d still be drawing my Hulk/Black Widow erotic art.
This story is ranked lowest on the list because it’s not as though it lingered for weeks, but stories that revolve around male genitals exist in dog years, so those three days felt like three weeks.
6. Deflategate 2: The Deflating
The Patriots defeated the Colts 45-7 in the AFC Championship Game on Jan. 18, 2015; Tom Brady accepted his suspension for using deflated footballs in said game on July 15, 2016 — nearly 18 long, painful months later. If you want to get technical, this story existed across two summers through appeals, rulings, motions and takes from everyone in the hot take business.
By giving up the fight in mid-July, when there’s nothing but baseball, Brady opened the door for more stories about his chicanery. It’s sort of fitting though, because after cheating the Colts out of a chance at the Super Bowl, he cheated the sports world out of a relaxing week of dead time in the sports world.
5. Hope Solo
When someone says “Hope Solo,” many have that same reaction they had as kids when your parents said “green beans” or “we are visiting your aunt this weekend instead of letting you play with your friends.” There’s a loud groan and perhaps some tears as you come to grips with the reality that you are locked into a bad situation that feels like it will never end.
It started when Solo got to Rio and made light of the Zika epidemic with a bug mask and spray. Was it funny? Sure, but in hindsight, it appears that it was less a humorous way of shining a light on a potential epidemic and more a bad person starting to feel herself. After the national team lost to Sweden, she called them a “bunch of cowards” because they didn’t attack in extra time, settled for penalty kicks, then eliminated Solo’s team.
This led to takes about her, about sportsmanship, about why someone with her allegedly abusive past was still on the team anyway. Then U.S. Soccer suspended her, which led to takes about why and how and why now, and eventually a video leaked of her learning this news. Then she released a statement saying she was taking a leave of absence from her club team.
It feels like this story is over but Solo having six months of free time and a bad mood will probably lead to something else bad happening.
4. Alex Rodriguez
This came out of nowhere. A-Rod was barely being used, hanging around a bad Yankees team, sitting on 696 home runs, when all of a sudden, his career was over in August. A twice-suspended, narcissistic steroid-taker was basically forced out of baseball because he wasn’t good anymore by a team that allowed Derek Jeter to play every day at shortstop and bat second with a barely .300 OBP his final year.
Suddenly, the Take Signal illuminated the night sky. Why would they do this? Of course, they should do this! They should let him go for 700! He should be in the Hall of Fame! He shouldn’t be in the Hall of Fame! Sign with the Marlins!
Good news for us: He didn’t sign with the Marlins.
3. Kevin Durant Takes
Benedict Arnold himself changing employers didn’t generate the same level of vitriol as Kevin Durant joining a new team via free agency. Even the term “free agency” has the word “free” in there, which means Durant was “free” to sign legally with any team in the league, and yet Oklahoma City reacted as though he took a dive in the Western Conference Finals and sold government secrets to the Russians.
This was a multi-layered take show, with your standard sports people takes like “He betrayed Oklahoma City!” and “He’s selling out to win a championship with Golden State!” But it also had lunatic fan takes, like a man making his son cry for a viral video or a fan firing bullets into a Durant jersey before blowing it up. Even the woman who took an idiot Thunder fan to task was bad, because it reminded you that the idiot fan exists.
2. National Anthem Takes
Colin Kaepernick, good for you, man. You’re standing up for what you believe by sitting down and generating conversation on a topic that too often gets ignored. You may feel like a target for every dumbass freedom-loving wannabe patriot now, but history will look upon you differently. Keep doing what you’re doing.
Now, for the 95 percent of people writing stories or delivering commentary on the topic — SHUUUUUUUUUT UP! If I have to hear one more moron ex-athlete or old-ass white man contradict himself over the course of three sentences about Kaepernick being right to exercise his freedom to protest but how he should not have done it during a national anthem, I’m going to impale you on a flag.
It’s been a full week and people are still finding fresh takes. You’d think they’d see Rodney Harrison’s “He’s not black” take and pull back, but oh no. Paul Finebaum thinks oppression doesn’t exist, Scott Van Pelt thinks after six days we’re not talking about it enough, there are veterans for and against Kaepernick. It’s too much and needs to end.
This is the runner-up story because a) the origin of the story comes from a good place and b) it’s fun to make jokes about Harrison and Finebaum. The No. 1 story was just stupid and while the jokes were fun; the story was not.
1. Ryan Lochte
This guy. He was robbed. No he wasn’t. Yes he was. No, wait, he wasn’t, and his mom said so. There’s video. Someone had a gun. There was vandalization. There was peeing. No one is allowed to leave the country. Lochte left the country. Teammates are trapped in Brazil. A hefty fine is paid. Sponsors dropped Lochte. New sponsors are after Lochte.
Fertility doctors don’t have to hear as much about inept swimmers as we did in a 72-hour period in August about a guy nobody cares about except once every four years. At least with Kaepernick, he didn’t do anything wrong and the bad takes in response were fun to mock. With Lochte, all the stories that came from his actions that were bad.
Congrats to Ryan Lochte, always second to Michael Phelps but first in our annoyed, weary summer hearts.
