Battle: Los Angeles wins weekend, Mars Needs Moms the biggest flop ever

Battle: Los Angeles was number one at the box office this weekend, earning $36 million from about 3500 theaters.  Which, if it had been a scene in Battle: Los Angeles, would’ve been communicated through a TV reporter in the background reading that exact sentence while Aaron Eckhardt shouted some amazingly cheesy line like, “I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS SH*T!” OR “YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO DIE, MARINE, AND THAT’S AN ORDER!” (*lens flare, camera spins around its subject*)

While Aaron Eckhardt’s chin dimple was making the world safe for laughable clichés (by the way, has anyone else ever noticed that the way his cleft chin sticks out of that space in that chinstrap looks like a girl with big tits in a halter top?), Disney’s latest animated release, Mars Needs Moms was flopping hard, much like my wang.  It earned $6.8 million in its debut, barely a quarter of Gnomeo and Juliet and worse than Planet 51, Space Chimps, or Astro Boy, to become the lowest-grossing opening for ever “a broadly-released modern 3D-animated movie.”

Hoo boy, that is a lot of modifiers.  But suffice to say, giving people a reason to remember Space Chimps is never a good thing.  Oh, and Red Riding Hood (GRRR, SYMBOLIC SWOLLEN CLIT), the sexy werewolf picture from Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke, didn’t do that great either.  The search for a successful Twilight knockoff continues.  Twilight is a sexy Mormon abstinence parable with vampires, so maybe… a super hot Pentacostal resurrection allegory with zombies?  Just throwing out ideas here.

Film Weekend Per Total
1 Battle: Los Angeles $36,000,000 $10,536 $36,000,000
2 Rango $23,050,000 (-39.5%) $5,876 $68,653,000
3 Red Riding Hood $14,135,000 $4,665 $14,135,000
4 The Adjustment Bureau $11,459,000 (-45.8%) $4,025 $38,451,000
5 Mars Needs Moms $6,800,000 $2,182 $6,800,000
6 Hall Pass $5,105,000 (-42.4%) $1,998 $34,936,000
7 Beastly $5,090,000 (-48.3%) $2,598 $16,980,000
8 Just Go With It $4,000,000 (-37.8%) $1,668 $93,982,000
9 The King’s Speech $3,625,000 (-41.8%) $2,050 $129,062,000
10 Gnomeo and Juliet $3,546,000 (-51.0%) $1,372 $89,031,000

Chart via CHUD, Numbers via BoxOfficeMojo