Brett Ratner to Crotch Fondle the Oscars – NACHOS FOR EVERYONE!

Brett Ratner has been hired to co-produce this year’s Oscars telecast, and the first article I read about it fittingly had the headline “Brett Ratner is Ready for Your Jokes.” Because, you see, even the most staid, mainstream periodicals know that Brett Ratner is a joke.

AMPAS President Tom Sherak, with the blessing of co-producer Don Mischer, hired director Brett Ratner (he of “Rush Hour” franchise fame and the upcoming “Tower Heist”) to work alongside Mischer in pulling off the 2012 Academy Award extravaganza.
While many might think Ratner is an unusual choice, the Academy wants to appeal to a young, hip Twitter-centric audience that unfortunately didn’t quite connect with Franco and Hathaway.

“Hoping to appeal to a younger crowd, the Academy hired a producer with the mind of a child.”

Tell me about the time commitment. It’s August. Oscars are at the end of February.
Ratner: This will be the hardest job I’ve ever done. I’ve been full informed by Don of what it entails, and I’ve cleared my schedule – for the next six months I belong to the Oscars.

Just keep it under four hours.
Ratner: I am the worst ADD filmmaker around so I guarantee it’s gonna kick in.
Mischer: That is another thing that really appealed to me about Brett – he’s going to keep this thing moving and fast paced.

One last thing: Don, you should do voiceover, you have the best voice.
Ratner: Isn’t it great? It’s sexy too, right? [WallStreetJournal]

The truth is, I’m not upset about this choice at all. I think it’s perfect. Brett Ratner may be a terrible filmmaker, but he’s GREAT at kissing Hollywood ass and going to parties, so this is actually perfect. And if he has to clear his filmmaking schedule for the next six months to prepare, EVEN BETTER! Let’s hope he does a reeeally good job and has to spend the following twelve months preparing for next year’s show. “And now, to present our ‘In Memoriam’ segment, here’s Justin Bieber and Nick Cannon singing, ‘I Miss You, Baby, Baby, Baby, OH…'”