Chuck Norris knows what’s really going on in Syria because of karate

At this point, we’re well acquainted with Chuck Norris being a right-wing nutjob. He’s basically the male Victoria Jackson (see: his Ammoland article blaming Obama for gays in the Boy Scouts). But this Syria-bombing business has really put Chuck in an awkward position. On one hand, it’s got bombs, which he loves, but on the other, the person advocating those bombs is Obama, who’s a secret Muslim. What to do!

It turns out, Chuck’s hate of Obama won out and had him writing an anti-bombing editorial for WND. Which, despite him spelling Al-Assad’s name wrong in the very first line, is one of the more sane things Chuck Norris has ever written. Don’t worry, it still gets funny.

Here’s the basic premise of his piece, that Assad actually wants us to bomb him, which is why we shouldn’t:

While President Obama and Congress pontificate over whether or not Syrian President Basher al-Assad used chemical weapons on his own people and if a limited U.S. attack on Syria is justified, what Washington needs to realize is this: Assad launched sarin gas on its citizens in hope of moving the U.S. like a chess piece into his civil war and deeper onto the Middle East war map.

“Hmm, I like this not-bombing-Syria idea, but could you phrase it in the form of a conspiracy theory?”

It might sound crazy to some that Assad would want the U.S. to bomb his own country, but, remember, he’s a dealer in lunacy and a high-risk roller autocrat. If Assad is willing to kill his own people, which clearly has been demonstrated for months and years, do we really think he cares if the U.S. joins his dirty work, especially when he can parade the innocent civilians murdered in U.S. bombing sprees?

I like the idea that he can only convince his audience that bombing is a bad idea if they think the bombee wants to be bombed. “Don’t you see? He’s trying to pull the old Joker-gets-caught-on-purpose!” By the way, all Chuck Norris editorials should start with “it might sound crazy…”

But wait, where does Chuck Norris get all this expertise when it comes to Syria??! It’s only in the second-to-last paragraph that he tells us, the kicker of the whole piece:

As a six-time world karate champion, I know something about fighting, winning and losing. 

There it is. Magnificent. Man, I can’t get enough of people drawing on their karate expertise to solve world crises. Chuck should get with former New York gubernatorial candidate Jimmy MacMillan of the Rent is Too Damn High Party, who used to love prefacing statements with “as a karate expert…” No one could out-logic those two, not even the Power Rangers.

Norris had just one more paragraph after this, with which to really bring his chess metaphor full circle:

Assad placed Obama (and, hence, America) in checkmate when he launched chemical weapons upon his people. The temptation is to blow up his chess pieces. But the right and wise move is to step away from the table, quit playing his game and form our own.

“As a karate champion, I know better than most that the way to win at chess is not to blow up your opponents chess pieces, but to quit that game and start a new game with yourself.”

Wise advice. I think it was Garry Kasparov who wrote that.

(picture via Getty)