Corbin Bernsen’s IMDB page is a revelation

Though it was actually in 2007, it feels like it was only yesterday that we discovered Bruce Greenwood’s “intricate interpretation” of the “aching vulnerability” in the portrayal of even his most discromulent characters (he also invented an inflatable hat).  Of course, when you’re a Christ-like figure beloved in all corners of the globe like Bruce Greenwood, there are bound to be pretenders, and it seems one of them is none other than Corbin Bernsen (BERNSEN!).  I mean, just listen to Bernsen’s IMDB profile and its pathetic attempts to make him seem more Greenwoodlian.

Rugged, hirsutely handsome Corbin Bernsen blazed to TV stardom in 1986 on “L.A. Law” (1986) as opportunistic divorce lawyer “Arnie Becker”, whose blond and brash good looks, impish grin and aggressive courting style proved a wild sex magnet to not only the beautiful female clients desirous of his “services”, but his own lovelorn secretary who frequently bailed him out of trouble.

“Hirsute” means hairy, and Corbin Bernsen is bald and clean shaven.  So whoever wrote “hirsutely handsome”… must’ve been staring at his chest.  That actually makes complete sense.

Bernsen invested the Becker character with a likable “bad boy” charm that made him a favorite among the tight ensemble for eight solid seasons. In the process, he earned multiple Emmy and Golden Globe nominations. He also proved the role was no flash-in-the-pan or dead-end stereotype, maintaining a steady career over the course of three decades now with no signs of let up. Moreover, his deep love for acting and intent devotion to his career recently impelled him to climb into the producer/director’s chair.

Oh God, your tight ensemble is gettin me all hot.  Quick, climb in my director’s chair!

In between, he still shows off as a master carpenter at home and continues to dabble in writing. Perseverance and dedication has played a large part in the acting success of Corbin Bernsen. Gleaning a savvy, take-charge approach hasn’t hurt either — characteristics worthy of many of the sharpies he’s played on screen.

[…] Topping it off, Corbin’s title role in the expert thriller The Dentist (1996) had audiences excogitating a similar paranoia of tooth doctors as Anthony Perkins had decades before with motel clerks.

Wait a second… “Excogitating”…  Hitchcock reference… I think I know who’s behind this!  (*pulls mask off mystery writer to reveal… ARMOND WHITE!*)  DUNT DUNT DUUUUUUHHHH!

ARMOND WHITE:  Okay, I did it!  And I would’ve gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for you crude interlopers to a once august profession!  Corbin Bernsen is just so dreamy!  The burnished patina of his bronzed torso makes Bruce Greenwood look positively Fincher-esque by comparison!  You’re blind, you’ve just been duped by the capitalist materiocracy!  Someday I’ll show you!  I’LL SHOW YOU ALL!  (*gets dragged away by police*)