A ‘Facial Features Expert’ Says Jax Teller Is All Wrong For ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’

Senior Writer
10.10.13 33 Comments

If you thought that the people complaining about Ben Affleck as older, wiser Batman would be the craziest fanboys of 2013, you have entirely underestimated the power of the Fifty Shades of Grey faithful. The Anastasiacs, as I like to call them in formal settings, have been shaking their vibrator-clenching fists in rage over the casting of Charlie Hunnam as Christian Grey since day one, because they either wanted to flick the magic bean to Matt Bomer or they just don’t think that Hunnam is right for the role.

Either way, Cosmopolitan is bringing out the big guns now to prove that Hunnam is, in fact, a bad choice, as the publication interviewed “Facial Features Expert” Jean Haner to tell everyone why Jax Teller is just horrible for the big screen adaptation of the best-selling book that began as Twilight message board fan fiction.

“The patterns of his facial features show that this guy doesn’t have a kinky bone in his body, so it doesn’t make him believable in the role,” says Haner. “If the author wanted to choose someone more suitable for this part, she would have picked a guy with sharp cheekbones and hollowness to his cheeks — both features of someone who likes to be in control. He’d also have a strong brow bone and deep-set eyes, which are signs of someone who likes to be domineering, and a widow’s peak, which usually means the person has natural sex appeal and charisma, and tends to enjoy kinky sex.”

Additionally, his “slightly-rounded hairline” suggests that Hunnam is the type of guy who wants to have sex to procreate and not so he can chain a girl to a wall and play dungeon master, while his rounded eyebrows tell us that he is “not so interested in weird or unusual sexual lifestyles.”

So how does one become a facial features expert anyway? Is there a special school for that or do you just naturally need to be full of shit?

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