
via The Tampa Bay Times
Today’s Florida Friday story is both compelling and incredibly Florida, but before I get to the compelling, let me first lay out what was so Florida about it: a Tampa jury acquitted a man who admitted killing his wife’s lover in his own house, and one of the first quotes is about how the acquitted man and his adulterous wife are going to celebrate by going to a waffle house:
Once Wald was released from jail, she said, he had promised her a special celebration. “Because my husband puts me first, he’s taking me to the Waffle House,” Flores said.
Damn, what is it with Floridians and waffles?
Now, the rest of this isn’t quite as funny, considering it deals with, you know, being able to legally commit murder because your state has insane laws, but here goes.
It was what amounted to a happy ending for the starring couple in a tragic and inimitably Floridian morality tale involving sex, liquor, self-defense law, erectile dysfunction and a man shot to death with his pants around his knees.
THE ARISTOCRATS!
After two days of testimony in Hillsborough Circuit Court, a jury decided [retired U.S. Army Lt. Col. Ralph Wald, 70] committed no crime when he fatally shot Walter Conley, 32, a man less than half his age, on March 10. Wald woke around midnight in his Brandon home and found Conley and Johnna Lynn Flores, 41, having sex on the floor in the living room. He took a .38 revolver from his bedroom and shot Conley in the stomach and head.
If you’d asked me yesterday, I would’ve told you “You know, I’m pretty sure that’s not allowed.”
Prosecutors argued that Wald, who suffered from erectile dysfunction, killed Conley in a jealous rage when he discovered him with Flores.
“It’s a personal insult to conduct that kind of activity in a man’s home, his castle. It cuts to the quick. It’s brazen,” Assistant State Attorney Chris Moody said in closing arguments Thursday. “That kind of deep and personal insult, when you find another man having sex in your living room and you can’t, would make you want to lash out. And he did.”
Wait, that was the prosecutor? I don’t mean to Friday morning quarter back here, but shouldn’t the prosecutor spend less time justifying the defendant’s motive and more time being like, “Uh, dudes? You can’t go around shooting people in the head. It’s very un-dude-like behavior.”
Also, the defense attorney is Joe Piscopo.
However, Wald’s attorneys argued he did not recognize Conley — a resident of Lovers Lane [!!!] in Riverview and old flame of Flores — and shot him thinking he was an intruder raping his wife. They invoked the state’s “stand your ground” self-defense law, noting that Wald had “no duty to retreat” when facing perceived danger within his own home.
“This is a military man,” said Joe Episcopo, Wald’s Tampa-based attorney, noting that Wald had been decorated for valor in combat during the Vietnam War. He said Wald was “trained what you do with the enemy … you take your gun and kill the enemy.”
Sorry, check that, Joe E-piscopo. I like to think that’s just Joe Piscopo wearing a fake Spanish mustache.
Flores, the surviving central actor in the episode besides Wald, testified she was “black-out” drunk the night of the shooting after consuming a large quantity of cognac and remembered almost nothing.
And the only guy who can dispute her has a bullet in his head. Convenient. You wonder if his last words were “She told me you were divooorc—-”
It took jurors about two hours to reach a verdict.
Episcopo, whose melodramatic touch was on display at the trial — in his closing statement he quoted Rudyard Kipling’s poem Gunga Din staring at his client and saying, “You’re a better man than I am, Mr. Wald!” — called the outcome appropriate for a man he called a “hero.”
“That same Constitution that he defended came to his aid when he needed it,” Episcopo said. “He is the kind of American who has made this country great.” [TampaBayTimes]
The kind of American who compensates for his impotence by jealously murdering people, that kind of American? Here I thought it was scholars, rugged frontiersman, those willing to risk death for liberty, the inventors of truck nutz, etc. that made this country great. Nope, turns out it was Yosemite Sam with ED. And twelve people UNANIMOUSLY agreed with this. Jesus Christ, I’m gonna go drink a whiskey in the bath tub.
I have nothing to add here other than this:
[thanks to Justin for the tip]
The Mighty Feklahr wishes *HE* had a gigantic landscape saw and a bathtub filled with whiskey… }}:>(
You know, for a retired LT. Col. in the US army he kiiiiiiiinda reminds me of a former General of the Iraqi army…
…I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’…
Okay, if she’s telling the truth about being blackout drunk, the dead dude shouldn’t have been screwing her anyway. I mean, that’s not “deserves to be shot in the head” level bad, but it’s pretty bad.
Also, do you guys not have Viagra in Florida?
That’s a fucking Everest-sized “if” right there. “I was blackout drunk” is the first thing every caught-cheating spouse says.
The jury would probably also have accepted “The Heat lost in 5 games and we were consoling each other.”
If we’re playing family feud on “Things a cheating spouse says”, I would have also accepted “I thought he was you” or “You know what always makes me feel better? Pancakes!”
On the other hand, it’s not like nobody’s ever been raped while blackout drunk.
Dude was fucking his wife on his living room floor. I’d acquit too. Call it what you want but hey don’t fuck a dude’s wife in his own house and maybe you’ll get shot less.
We’re all assuming he knew she was married and that he was in her husband’s house. Probably true, but you never know what she told him.
Anyone who lives in FL and owns a house or a firearm knows that law. Whether she WAS blackout drunk or not, nobody is going to prove otherwise. He was walking away clean, I’d do the same thing. “At&T” came to my door at 9:30pm the other night if I opened my door they were getting invited inside with me and my Beretta. I told them to fuck off but still If you are getting your ass kicked in public similar laws apply, you can get away with anything if you know the law.
I am not sure what you are defending here? He deserved to get shot? He should have known there was a chance? The acquittal is deserved?
I agree with the acquittal. There’s a lot of juicy shit in the ABC story on the trial. Link here:
[www.abcactionnews.com]
By all accounts, the guy woke up and thought someone half his age was raping his wife. If “reasonable doubt” means anything, I think we have to accept his version of the facts. Once we reach that point, doesn’t any sensible system of laws have to acquit here?
I’m more confused by the defence strategy. Why does “Stand Your Ground” figure in at all? Isn’t this a case of defence of others? If someone is raping your wife, you shouldn’t be allowed to shoot them? Do you have to politely ask for their version of events first? Do you have to let your wife continue getting raped while you find a more appropriate weapon? This isn’t like the Zimmerman case, where one guy followed another and a fight may have broke out. He thought someone younger and stronger than him was raping his wife and he shot the dude. Legitimate acquittal.
With all that said, I like speculating. The shooter’s probably lying. However, I’m going to note that it seems unlikely that Conley didn’t know Ward and Flores were married. Here are some more interesting quotes from ABC:
“Conley’s family attended both days of trial, furious about what they call a fatal set-up. Conley, they say, had a tattoo of Flores on his arm and wanted to marry her, unable to shake his love for her.”
“Prosecutors painted a different picture of Wald.
Conley, they argued, had two distinct tattoos of Flores on his arm and neck, which would have been easily recognized by Wald, who was well-acquainted with Conley.
Conley and Flores were roommates prior to her relationship with Wald, and even lived next door to Wald. Conley also worked for Flores as an employee of her fence company.”
“Though Episcopo says Wald couldn’t see the man’s face due to the position he was in, Conley using Flores as a human shield, prosecutors say Wald stood just a few feet away and could easily recognize him.”
“Wald, an attorney and recipient of the Silver Star for heroism, has no previous criminal record.”
“Wald couldn’t see the man’s face due to the position he was in.’
Well now I just have to know.
Jizz or blood, either way that rug’s days of tying the room together were numbered.
+1
Thank you for these weekly reminders of my home state’s ineptitude. I mean, in addition to the daily reminders I get while living here.
If the guy in the middle of f*ckin me was shot off of me by my limp-d*ck husband I’d go dead-eyed, say “Wha’ happen?!” and go get waffles too. Whatever you want old man I don’t remember jack. Someone go put Bill Withers on the jukebox and get me a Burt’s Chili.
The Dude finally got fed up with Walter’s nonsense and provided a real life example of what happens when you f* a stranger’s wife in the ass.
Do you see what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps?
If you’re fucking some guy’s wife in his own house while he’s there, you probably deserve to die. Ralph Wald watched a lot of buddies die face down in the muck so that you and I can enjoy our constitutional freedoms.
I enjoy my constitutional freedoms just fine, and Wald’s service in Vietnam did nothing to secure those freedoms for me.
I respect the guy for serving his country, but the Vietnamese weren’t in danger of taking away my liberties.
And “I saw a lot of my buddies die in a war” is not a defense for killing someone 40+ years later, either.
“I should be able to gun down as many wife bangers as I want!”
I have an image of Joe Episcopo (if he really is just Joe Piscopo wearing a fake Spanish mustache) saying “You shouldn’t touch me, Juanny. I don’t like to be touched. Mi hermano touched me once. Once.”
“If you’re fucking some guy’s wife in his own house while he’s there, you probably deserve to die.”
Really? Would you feel the same way if it was your brother or father doing the fucking?
Brother, if this is you, just rent a hotel room.
I just pictured me walking in on my father fucking my wife in my living room, so thanks, now *I* have ED.
I am in love with that gif.
Maybe the NRA splurged and was paying for that waffle house treat as a “reward”.
This also falls under Florida’s “He Scores, He Shoots” law.
Also: the only thing that can stop a bad guy with an erection is a good guy with a gun.
+1.
I can’t believe it’s this easy to shoot a *white* guy in Florida.
Bonus details from 3/12 Huffington Post article: “Flores was arrested two weeks after her Oct. 2012 marriage to Wald for firing a shot at Conley. She’s Wald’s fifth wife.”
See, Florida isn’t racist, just stupid and shooty.
Wasn’t there a similar case where it was found that the husband and wife invited a guy over for a menage a trois and deliberately set the guy up to be killed by claiming the husband thought he was raping her. Of course in that case the husband also used it as an opportunity to off the wife but I’m just saying. When a guy bangs another man’s wife in his house (especially in Florida), something swingtastic must be going down. Maye the victim was under the impression that it was an open marriage and knew the husband was home. Sounds fishy as hell. A young(er) man, possibly easily manipulated by an older cougar…especially when the husband readily forgives the wife (who just caused you to take another life) afterwards and she accepts a celebratory plate of waffles in return.
“Menage a trois arrested” is a fun google search.
@blackhawksfan: so true. I never knew that in real life, menage a trois could lead to so much homocide and aggravated asault. That never happens in porno movies.
Do you think Dominos delivery guys get hazard pay in Florida? I mean, they are entering peoples homes and demanding money – every delivery relies upon the homeowner simply choosing not to shoot them.
Ugh. . . . didn’t the wife more or less confess that she was willingly getting drilled by the deceased in the video? Sure sounds like it with what she’s saying.
Conly should have stayed cool and said “Sorry bro, she tripped, fell and landed on my dick.. . many times.”
It’s just another fascinating part of this story. Again, from ABC:
“She said 9 times out of 10 she was drunk when she met with Conley for sex.”
and
“Yet, she continued to have sex with him, though she had trouble recalling exactly how often, claiming the act helped her menstrual cycle, so she met with Conley every few weeks.”
BRO 2ND AMENDMENT THANKS OBAMA TRAYVON ZIMMERMAN DETROIT WHAT
Looks like O.J. picked the wrong coast to stab his ground.
Although he looks like he’s had plenty of waffles lately.
(*Lights turn on*)
Balls deep young guy: Whoa, whoa! Uh… (*looks at woman*) heeey, you’re not Kate Beckinsale, you fucking liar! Dude, I swear, your wife told me she was Kate Beckinsale!
Old Guy: Shit, you think I’d have this goddamned ED if my wife was Kate Beckinsale? FUCK NO!
So, as someone who’s graduated law school and knows how many out-of-work lawyers there are, I see a burgeoning cottage industry: move to Florida and advise people on how to commit legalized murder. The gaps in this law are a mile wide and it wouldn’t take a genius attorney to advise someone how to drive through them. Hey, at least it would make the state admit that legalized murder is exactly what they’ve sanctioned.
“Your honor, given his erectile dysfunction, my client clearly thought he was shooting blanks”
and… we have a winner!
Like a great man once said: “Never rub another man’s rhubarb.”
What does Cameron Diaz have to do with this case?
Even if the guy was asking for it, that’s not a good reason to let the shooter off scott free. Commit the crime, do the time.
If its against the law or not if you have sex with a mans wife expect to get in the very least a good beating. He should of shot his Ho wife too cheating slut.